Brasi Trip Report: January 2012

[brasi]

The first night I ever spoke with Sarah was for about 5 seconds, online. A week later, after I'd essentially forgotten talking to her, she contacted me again through an IM on a social networking site.

Immediately, when I saw her picture, I was aware she was a lot younger than me...ended up to be by 18 years...and gorgeous. But I decided I could be "just friends" with her and there was a LOT to talk about. Football. Divorce, and the our common belief that the DNA lottery is a double-edge sword. She hated being so gorgeous because she said no one gave a sh*t about what she EVER said. She started falling for me because I "had never mentioned that she was pretty." Most guys she said just wanted to get in her pants.

Believe me, I noticed she was pretty. But I too have an issue with the blessed ones who take advantage of good looks to get away with being mediocre at other things. A rock writer once said about my band---"Flakjacket isn't good looking enough to make it. But if they were as good looking as their songs sound they'd be famous..." True. But it sucks.

A month after we started talking, we went to see Marc Cohn at a really intimate theater near me. Unplanned romantic kind of thing...that night, we started being honest about wanting to be together despite what anyone would think about our age difference (39-22). A week later...she showed up at my band's show unannounced, and on the ride home asked if I wanted a girlfriend...and if so, could she be it? It was cute and defines her personality.

As beautiful as she was, she loved ME, a somewhat overweight, not-cute old dude...and she didn't give a flying crap about the band or any of the dumb stuff (bands, good job nice home, etc). Usually the fact that I am really nice guy is meaningless when you are honest with the way a lot of women pick guys. To Sarah the nice guy part was the most important thing about me, the guts of me.

My marriage---which had ended three years previous to us meeting---was probably the worst emotional/physical relationship possible...so Sarah was a breath of fresh air. Just...felt RIGHT. Holding hands was amazing. I could be just me, and she loved that.

What she taught me was that love can come out of the weirdest places. She taught me that things are not always as they appear. She taught me that love is unconditional. She had a myriad of health issues, deep ones, a disorder that she just could not overcome. She was a fighter. But she lost...and so did I.

My biggest wish is that somehow someway I could have done more. For 18 months that I knew her...I was a caretaker, financial backer, taxi service, bank account, lover, best friend. It was HARD. But I would take it all back in a second, and do it all again. Because she loved me and I felt that almost every minute we were together...I was deeply in love and still am. We were going to shock the world and move in together in August...she passed away in June. WE were going to Jamaica in January, and we might have done something crazy and gotten married. But we knew that's where we'd eventually do it, someday.

Our last argument was about her not wanting to go anywhere that morning. She was tired. I had obligations. Without getting into it, I realize now that she was already "in trouble" right before I went outside...it was coming...I came back in 20 minutes later and found her..................................if I had just stayed inside...and been able to call 911 sooner...................

I know I fulfilled one thing for her. I loved her. I never pushed her away like so many others had. I always forgave her. I always pulled her closer when she felt she had made a mistake. When she was feeling low I told her I loved her and we'd do it together. When she slipped up, I'd put her to bed and make sure she was ok....it made for many sleepless nights.

I don't know if the Obeah woman was legitimate. I don't KNOW anything; I am surprised I pursued that because I am typically agnostic and sit on the fence...spiritual...but certainly not extremely religious...a believer that science is at least CLOSER to the truth.

I am left alone...and sometimes...I wish I'd never met Sarah if only because now that I've had a true love I realize how nearly impossible it is to find. Sometimes...and this is when I get saddest...I can't remember what her voice sounded like. All the pictures I have are never enough...I miss her like crazy...it's getting better...but...it still is a deep deep pain.

Thanks for your words. I am very sorry if this kind of thing turns people off, and I realize it has little to do with Negril. But it helps...so, everyone that has said kind things to me, or PM'd me...I mean it when I say I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.

[Van]

I can relate my wife 10 years younger died suddenly from a brain aneurism Sept. 2010 it really hasn't gotten much better. This song by Spragga Benz, Stay the Same, really
expresses how I feel.

[Lola]

"...now that I've had a true love I realize how nearly impossible it is to find."

Wrong-o sweetie, turn those binoculars around ~ now that you've had true love you know it is POSSIBLE and you have already proven your ability to find it! Was she one in a million? Then there are at least 81,000,000 more possible loves for you in the world, 300-400 right in the USA, at least 3 in Jamaica...

There's a commercial or billboard I've seen recently, don't recall if it is in the US or JA, but it portrays 'Impossible' = Im Possible

O-lady probably just made a lucky guess on the argument, it comes up a lot in relationships. But YOU are the one finding your way through all of this, you are the one seeking peace. Its your journey and she played the part you wanted her for.

I think its all very cool, enjoy the ride!

[Rum-polephoreskin]

Brasi,
I was talking about you one day at Seastar.
GerryG had been there so I'm guessing the subject of boardies came up.
I mentioned Brasi to one of the bartenders and he said you're real name was Alex.

I think you have a lot of friends here.
If you need to express these things, express them.
People who care are ready to listen.
We can't fix anything but we can listen . . . sometimes that helps.

As Little Feat once said:
". . . fool that I am I'd do it all over again."

[yellowjeep]

Lola and Rum - you guys hit the nail on the head - so eloquently, so honestly and so lovingly...Brasi - take their words to heart - YOU'RE WORTH IT! You are a wonderful man and love will find you again, I know it! If I wasn't married, I would meet you in Negril -- and off the beaten path!!

[Clarity]

Brasi - I'm so sorry for your loss

As someone that has been through a lot of loss of my own over the past three years. 3 major deaths, including the loss of my brother. I can say that it shakes you to your core and makes you re-examine your entire life.
You're not the same person afterwards
The changes that occur after tragedies can be positive ones, if you allow them to be.
You don't take a single day or a single person in your life for granted.
Those things that you said "i'm going to do that someday" suddenly becomes today.
Kind of like Jamaica was, for me, which is how I found this site in the first place.
As far as opening up about your loss
Alot of us can relate, understand, empathize
It also makes me feel less alone in my own struggles.
So thank you for sharing your story.
Keep on living life to the fullest and loving and creating and sharing.
Take it day by day. It will get easier in time.

Hope we see you in Negril in April.
And I love your Jamaica song, it's been stuck in my head for days!

[gerryg123]

The Jamaica song is GREAT brasi!

[brasi]

Thanks to each of you for the support. I'll stop being such a stick in the mud!

Party onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

Thanks for liking the song Clarity/Gerry!

VAN: so sorry. I really am...it's so hard to be the same...

[Fred Stripe]

Some folks talk about the great time when I retire,,,,OHHH so great,when my body is breaking down at 70 years old.....Some live it for today....Some walk the walk.....I feel the vibe here from those who agree with that theory..When I see the fisherman catching the fish in Negril with a hand line,cooking eating and rinse repeat the next day.......That is the cycle of life......With some Red Stripes & weed in between....

[Patty Sather]

Brasi,
we have talked and you know how I feel...im such a fan....and these people here are amazing friends..some of us have met and some have not , But I cannot wait to meet every single person here..all great messages..(lola! I just love you and your message , Im such a fan!) and clairity you are such a spirit of kindness and love and it shows in your writting..Brasi you have soo many mothers , sisters, best friends on here your love is endless , and we will all be there to cry with you and laugh with you in celebration...Have a great day doll...pinching your cheek <3