# Negril.com Message Board Forums > Negril Message Board >  Lifes a Beach - or - AnD nOw FoR sOmEtHiNg CoMpLeTeLy DiFfErEnT -

## Kahuna3

*Before Departure:
* 

      Early this coming Sunday, just after sun up, I will once again be wiggling my toes in the cool morning sands of the Seven Mile Beach.    

          Ive lost count of how many times Ive been to Negril, but Ive be going there for many, many years. Ill be staying for five weeks this time. My first visit was in the mid 70's and Ive been dropping in  on and off - over the decades since then. Back in the day I never bothered to count the trips (and some of them I couldnt remember, anyhow). My current streak extends back to 1998, when I got married on the beach, at sunset  (hows that for clich?).


That was me and my Bride, back in '98. See Booby Cay in the background? I have a serious thing for sunset in Negril. Since that trip weve been going every winter.

This trip, Ill be solo for the first three days, then my buddy Fabs comes down. Fabs will be in Negril for a week, which will be the guy part of the trip. (More on Fabs later). Then my wife comes down for the duration. 

Even though Ive been to Negril many times, Im excited! I always am, but this upcoming trip should be interesting just because of the people who will be coming and going during the five weeks that Ill be there. Theres Fabs, as I mentioned, plus a grand assortment of siblings with partners, relatives, good friends, and acquaintances of friends, several of whom are Newbies. Im proud to say that Ive introduced many of these people to Negril.

Add that crowd to the Negril-ites that Ive come to know, who will be there in Feb and  well, it should be interesting. It always is.

I used to dread bringing Newbies to Negril, but now I look forward to it. It forces me to do things; gets me out of my comfortable routines and helps me overcome the beach-gravity. With Newbies I do things that I wouldnt do if it were not for them. With the Newbies, I get to see Negril anew again, through their experiences  like having kids and seeing the world through their eyes (I have two grown daughters whom I brought to Negril when they were teenagers  now THAT was a trip.)

I plan to share this trip with you on this board  in quasi-real time - which is something that Ive never done before. You see  I love to write, but Im currently between projects, so Ive decided to write about this trip. (The truth is Ill be using this trip report to feed my muse.)

So this is my Teaser. Im not going to proclaim that this will be the greatest trip report that Negril.com has ever seen!, or watch the count for this report hit 50K!. Nah. Because I actually cannot see into the future  so I dont know how this will spin out. But Ill report what I see, my plans, what I do, what I hear, and what I think  all relatively unfiltered and from my own perspective; Ill describe, Ill rant, Ill praise, Ill question, Ill laugh, and Ill tell some stories and post some photos.

The header for this report is AnD nOw FoR sOmEtHiNg CoMpLeTeLy DiFfErEnT. Ill do my best to live up to that billing. 

Along the way I hope well have some fun together.

----------


## booger

I'm in Roland!

----------


## Sam I Am

Looking forward to it!  I love the "hummingbird hotel" as I think you call it  :Smile:  so I will be avidly following along in order to get my fix until I can be there in person!
Have a great time!

----------


## Cands

Can't wait!! Have a wonderful trip!

----------


## NEGRILJAIL

Looks like a pic shot from Point Village ?

----------


## Clarity

K3 - You'll be writing an on-site trip report?!  :Big Grin: 
I'm really looking forward to reading this! Can't wait!

----------


## irieworld

Nice--looking forward to it--and have a great completely different trip!

----------


## poolguywindsor

I was thinking that photo was from Point Village too.

----------


## NEGRILJAIL

hmm must be so ..way to much pageantry ..and clothing.. for hedo !!!

----------


## marley9808

I am so excited!
I have been waiting for a live and direct report /review of The Hummingbird! lol

Have a blast (so we can too)  :Wink: 

P.S. Great picture!

----------


## Tawnee2

Really looking forward to this K3!!

----------


## brasi

Stoked!

----------


## Craig123

> [U][B]
> The header for this report is AnD nOw FoR sOmEtHiNg CoMpLeTeLy DiFfErEnT. Ill do my best to live up to that billing. 
> 
> Along the way I hope well have some fun together.


I always loved Monty Python. Looking forward to a John Cleese report. LOL  :Smile:

----------


## mud

looks like ill have to fly some balloons for ya.

----------


## Lady Jane

Lovely pic. I am sooo looking forward to your report

----------


## justchuck

I've read and enjoyed your books so now I'm looking forward to following along on your adventures.

----------


## Maryann

Right on!

----------


## Fred Stripe

*The photo must be from Point Village....My wife and I went to the booze party at Booby Cay from Hedo in the 80's to kayaking to Booby Cay from the Bloody Bay beach to seeing Booby Cay from the Long Bay view to seeing it when we come down from the cliffs..... *

----------


## NikkiB

Looking forward to it!  Maybe we'll see you there  :Smile:

----------


## Kimbobwee

Be bumping into you real soon mi friend....looking foward to it, even if it's not at ForReal!  Hope all is well, I'll be starting "Sunset" on the plane ride.  CYA in a couple of weeks!

----------


## Kahuna3

Hey Kimbo - see yah soon.
PGW and Fredstripe - Yes – the photo was taken from Point Village, as it was called at the time, – I think it’s undergone a couple of name changes since then. My wife and I did go to Hedo for a week after our wedding guests departed ;>)   - but that’s another story....

Mud – I definitely want to see your balloons this year – last year was awesome.

To ‘justchuck’ and others who have read my books – thank you.

I’ve started packing my bags for the trip – the ‘reward’ ticket that I’m travelling on allows for 2 bags with a total of 100 pounds between them. Sweet! I’m gonna use it all up. It’s not that I travel ‘heavy’, the clothes requirements for my trip I could put in my carry-on backpack. But it’s all the other crap that I gotta haul. Mostly books this time – and they are heavy. 
- I’m bringing four novels to read – thick ones – 
- I’ve got two hard cover novels that I will give to my brother when he gets there, 
- and then there’s about 20 copies of my novel that I’m bringing to give away to people I’m meeting there. 
- Add to that 4 tubes of sunscreen, shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, 
- 3 bars of soap, my laptop, a radio, skin lotion, 
- bug lotion (sand fleas feast on me), shaving stuff, protein powder and bars, 
- a couple of pairs of runners, mask and snorkel  
- a frother (for juice & protien), and a bunch of utensils – it adds up pretty quick. 

Anyhow – I’m getting antsy. I spent 40 minutes this morning chipping ice from my front steps – we had freezing rain in Ottawa last night. 

But back to the upcoming trip; I think guys should have regular ‘guy’ trips, just as women should have ‘women’ trips together. I believe these types of getaways are good for the soul. That’s why I’m looking forward to Fabs coming down. Our ‘guy’ time on the beach together always perks my soul up a bit.

So let me introduce you to Fabs. Fabs is short for Fabio; that’s his beach handle, not his real name. I introduced Fabs to Negril four years ago. During that first trip Fabs fell immediately in love with Negril, it was a natural fit for him. He had such a great time that the week after we got back home he was already planning for his next sojourn.

Of all the people who come down to Negril to hang with me, it’s Fabs that is at the center of the most bizarre occurrences. With Fabs there are always things that come up. 

Here’s the background on Fabs: We became friends because we just started to hang out and became good friends – in fact, we became confidants. I talked so much about Negril that it was inevitable someday Fabs would make the trip to Jamaica with me.

Besides being a not-bad athlete, Fabs is also a pretty good lookin’ dude. Frankly, he’s a ladies man, a stud-muffin, a chick magnet, a true life lothario. Fabs is one of those lucky guys who is genetically blessed. He’s tall with broad shoulders. He has big hands and size 14 feet (curiously, women seem to find that significant). Fabs works out – he has abs. He has longish hair, an insouciant, devil-may-care smile, and he’s a charmer. 

Which is great for him, but it kind of sucks for me. Understand? Not that I’m an ogre or anything like that, but I’m no George Clooney either. So it’s Fabs that gets noticed when we are hanging out together; the women literally hurl themselves at him – and I’m not just talking Negril here, it’s everywhere. It’s like women instinctively want to mate with him - like they want to bear his children or something. It’s a bit disturbing to watch, actually. Women are drawn to Fabs like moths to a flame. I am a mere pinprick of light that all but disappears in the fierce glow of Fabs’ million candle-power lime-light.

But I’ve adapted. I sit back and watch Fabs do his thing. I wait until he makes the 1st draft pick, then I’ll talk to the rejects, try to console them a little, maybe commiserate.

But don’t get me wrong, I’m not playing the same game as Fabs. He’s single and is always looking to score. I hang out with him, so I’m frequently in situations where we are talking to women. But I’m not what you’d call ‘a player’. I’ll be straight up with you – I love women. So I’ll chat with the ladies, buy them a drink or two, have a few laughs, compliment them on their outfits or hair, try to make them smile – because I love it when a woman smiles. But I’m not out to hook up with anyone. Nah. And if I should accidently put out the wrong vibe and mislead someone, well - to use an old fishing term – I’m a ‘catch-and-release’ guy - that’s how it is. I play the game just for the fun of it, for the sport, you might say. I’m older than Fabs, been around the block a few times and I’ve ploughed my share of fertile ground . . . so I guess I just want to prove to myself that I’ve still got it, or at least some of it (maybe just a little?) – yes, pathetic, but true. And, as you already know, I’m a married man.

Here is a photo from last year – my wife and I and some friends enjoying the sunset.

----------


## Clarity

Great pic! Now after that description, I want to see a pic of _Fabio_ too!  :Wink: 
Have a safe flight this weekend and enjoy your guy time on the beach! Sounds like it's going to be a lot of fun!

----------


## Jim-Donna

Well seeing as I have a few of your books and LOVE them, I'm in big time!~~ Have Big Fun Roland.

----------


## jan24

I also am starting your book on this trip, so I hope to run into you again.  Safe travel, enjoy your stay and am looking forward to your read.

----------


## MoFromMonroe

OMG this is gonna be good! Can't wait!!!!!!! It's sounding like another book.

----------


## irie luv

Enjoyed your pre trip report and the background on what to expect on this trip. I would like to know more about your books so I can read some , I LOVE to read it's one of my favorite things to do. Can you provide a few details of some of your favorite books you have written. I would like to read some. Looking forward to the report, 5 weeks is a nice stay  :Cool:

----------


## Sam I Am

Irie Luv... these books are great!
Sunset Negril http://www.amazon.com/Sunset-Negril-...7454688&sr=8-1
Walk Good http://www.amazon.com/Walk-Good-Trav...7454749&sr=8-4

----------


## Kahuna3

Three days and Im off to the rock! Now the beat of the countdown is quickening . . . before, the days dragged  now I feel like Im running out of prep time! I can't wait to hit the beach.


As I mentioned earlier, the first part of this trip it will be me solo for a few days. I dont really have any plans for that time, other than a vague notion that Ill rent a motor-bike and scout out some long-term accommodations for next year. Truthfully, I like having no plans. From previous experience I know that Negril will keep me entertained until Fabs arrives.

Speaking of Fabs, just so you know - Im going to write the whole Fabs episode as a *GUY* trip report. Those parts will be unvarnished and unapologetic; a candid look at what two typical guys (but mostly Fabs) do when they are on the loose in Negril. So theres a good possibility that women will not enjoy reading it. Remember I said I was feeding my muse? Well someday Im going to write a full-on guy novel, so Ill be using the Fabs parts to try that style, see how it feels. Ill be stepping out of my normal writing voice.

In my guy voice I wont be talking about what I had for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and I wont be listing all of the drinks that I consume or every spliff that I may partake of, except incidentally. You can take it as a given that I will be eating, drinking and maybe participating in the occasional pass-around toke.

And Im going to leave my feelings totally out of it. Also, Im not going to be posting any photos (no photos of food sitting on a plate, or self-portraits of myself holding the camera at arms length). I mean, I enjoy the photos that are posted on the board, but for this part of my report, I feel that photos would be a distraction to the story. (For the guy parts, I think the images conjured in the mind of the reader will be more powerful than real photos could ever hope to be). Call me old-school - but dont call me late for dinner.

In the interest of getting my head into Negril,  Im going to relate another Fabs story from a previous trip. I hope I dont offend anyone. I expect that Rob might do some judicious redacting, but lets see how it goes. 

For Fabs first trip we shared a room. That didnt pan out too well; Fabs being a ladies man, the logistics of him entertaining his girlfriends and me having access to the room were  ah  difficult at times. One night during his first trip I came back quite late to the room, dead-tired and ready to crash. I hadnt seen Fabs for a few hours; wed gotten separated at The Jungle. Anyhow, I headed up to our room and when I got to the top of the stairs I saw a pair of Fabs beach shorts hanging on the door knob. 

Crap! . . . the universal sign.

I crept up to the door, real quiet like, and put my ear to it. Inside there was all this moaning and Yah, baby and all that. (Which, oddly, are the same noises that I make when I slip into a hot tub.) I probably listened a little longer than I should have, but it wasnt so long that anyone could rightly call me a pervert.

So I went down to the gazebo and tried to get comfortable on a chair. Ive got to tell you, I wasnt too happy about it. It was windy and chilly down there and the waves were crashing on the beach making all this noise and I couldnt get to sleep. About an hour later I went back up to the room and the shorts were still hanging there, so I listened again and it was all quiet this time. I figured they were done, so I pounded on the door and Fabs says, Yah?  I told him it was getting late, like, way late, and he said for me to come back in ten minutes.

I gave them fifteen and when I finally got back into the room I had to air it out because it smelled like a brothel in there. I told Fabs that I didnt think it was too cool to be locked out of the room - like, we werent exactly college kids. So he apologized and said it wouldnt happen again  and we were cool again.

The next morning I was lying in bed, just waking up. Fabs was in the shower. There was a knock at the door. I got up and yanked my beach shorts on and opened the door. A frazzled looking young woman was standing there. She looked at me and did a double-take, then looked beyond me into the room.

Is Clint here? she asked.

Clint is not Fabs real name, but it is one of several that he uses on the beach. So I said, Yeah, hold on a minute. I went to the bathroom door; the shower was still running. I pushed the door open and yelled, Hey, _Clint_  theres a young lady at the door looking for you.

He said, Huh?  just a second . . .

The shower stopped running and a moment later Fabs came out of the bathroom dripping wet with a towel wrapped around his waist. His hair was still all shampooed up.

The young lady looked at Fabs and said, Have you got my panties? I want my panties.

What?! No! I dont have your panties, Fabs said, and he held his arms out like he was a total innocent bystander.

Im thinking, Wow! - must be a pretty schmancey pair of panties for this young woman to show up so early and come looking for them. And then I wondered if Fabs actually _did_ have her panties  I wouldnt put it past him.

So she says, Yah well, I dont have them, and I when you kicked me out of here last night Im pretty sure that I left without them!

Standing there watching this discourse I suddenly felt very uncomfortable; I hadnt felt so out of place since I randomly walked into a Hollister store; so I went out onto the balcony to give them some space and to check out the day.

They looked around the room, Fabs clutching his towel around his waist. Eventually the young lady found her panties under the bed. She stuffed them into her pocket, turned around and left, leaving the door open. She didnt look too happy, kind of huffy and self-conscious. It seemed to me that maybe she had a touch of morning-after remorse.

Fabs stood looking at the open door. Then he shrugged his shoulders and muttered, So long . . . and thanks for the mammaries. Then he went back to finish his shower.

Needless to say, after that first trip together, we got separate rooms  it just works out better that way.

----------


## luvjabd

I really look forward to reading about your visit - especially the "guy" part...and Im a lady!

----------


## marley9808

LMAO!!!!!!!
Bring on the "Guys" story, I ain't skerrred! hahahahaha

I am thinking we are going to hear a lot of these stories from good ole Fabs (aka Clint, aka .........)

----------


## Clarity

> The young lady looked at Fabs and said, “Have you got my panties? I want my panties.”
> 
> “What?! No! I don’t have your panties,” Fabs said, and he held his arms out like he was a total innocent bystander.
> 
> I’m thinking, ‘Wow!’ - must be a pretty schmancey pair of panties for this young woman to show up so early and come looking for them. And then I wondered if Fabs actually _did_ have her panties – I wouldn’t put it past him.


LOL!!
Yeah, separate rooms sounds like the best way to go :Big Grin: 

Loving your Trip report so far, and you're not even in Jamaica yet!

----------


## NikkiB

Oh this is gonna be good (gotta tell ya, I was just relieved Fab wasn't wearing her panties!)

----------


## Maryann

Lol!

----------


## booger

"I probably listened a little longer than I should have, but it wasn’t so long that anyone could rightly call me a pervert."

I'm sure I would of too...

----------


## brasi

This is gonna be good.

----------


## Kahuna3

> Oh this is gonna be good (gotta tell ya, I was just relieved Fab wasn't wearing her panties!)


Well, I can see Fabs collecting panties  although I would find it a bit creepy. But  him _wearing_ the panties? That would be a stretch.

Ive totally finished packing my two bags, I had to triage on the books to cut the weight down. This trip Ive decided to bring a bit of a luxury down with me  a GOOD pillow. I like White Sands, but their pillows suck. Last year we bought a couple in town, but they were too bulky and firm. Maybe Im picky, but there is nothing like laying your head to rest on a Goldilocks pillow, and the one Im bringing is juuust right.


I have a couple more quick Fabs stories from previous trips, Ill post one today and one tomorrow. 

The second morning of Fabs first trip to Negril we decided to go for a long walk towards town so that Fabs could get the lay of the land. Well, Fabs likes to walk with his shirt off  show off the abs  and since we were walking along the beach, naturally we went barefoot. 

We walked and walked and walked and after about forty minutes we arrived at the mouth of the river near town. Fabs spotted the Burger King on the other side of the river and said he was parched and wanted to get a drink and some onion rings. It was low tide so it was possible to easily walk across the river, so we waded across, headed for the Burger King.  I didnt want anything from the King, so I went over to the drug store in the plaza next door to get a Mounds bar (dark chocolate and coconut!). Fabs went into the Burger King. I got my Mounds, came out of the drug store and walked back over to the Burger King. I was surprised to see Fabs standing in the drive-through lane. He was at the speaker thingy and he was leaning over and placing his order, like he was in a car. I thought  WTF?! As he placed his order he was doing the hot-foot dance because the pavement there was really hot from the sun. There were two cars in line behind him and a couple in the lead vehicle were staring at Fabs and shaking their heads. I walked over to him and asked him WTF he was doing.

They wouldnt let me order inside because I didnt have no shirt or shoes, he replied, shrugging his shoulders. 

I started laughing so hard I almost pissed myself.

----------


## Hubby-man

Your writing has such an amazing flow, I really admire it!
Can't wait for more

----------


## Kahuna3

> Your writing has such an amazing flow, I really admire it!
> Can't wait for more


Thanks Hubby-man - you are no slouch yourself!

Tomorrow morning I depart for five weeks in Negril. Yowzaa! This is gonna be an epic trip. Im going to shake things up this year; work at doing something new or different every couple of days.

Last year I went for five weeks, but I spent a lot of time in my room because I was working on my novel and I was at the point where it had taken ahold of me  I was literally just along for the ride  desperately channeling the story via a stream of consciousness that came from I know not where.

But this year Im gonna chill. And explore, and . . . who knows?

This morning I drove through slush and freezing rain to meet Fabs at our local Timmys for a coffee. Hes as stoked as I am about our upcoming guy week. When he had to go back to work he sighed and stood up, we bumped fists and he said, See you on the beach, Dude.

I have one more short Fabs story to relate, then that will be it for him until he gets on the rock.

My next update will be from Negril :>)

Laay-tah mon!

*   *   *   *   *   *

A couple of days after the Burger King walk thru incident Fabs and I went up to Cafe Goa for a late breakfast. It was a Sunday morning and when we arrived at the place there was a little party going on. 

A trio of musicians (obviously tourists) was jamming and singing some up-tempo Blues classics. I love The Blues, so to hear it being played in Negril was a trip. The group was pretty tight too; they had an acoustic guitar, a banjo and an electric bass. I believe these guys were from South Carolina. After a couple of numbers they switched out of The Blues and launched into a rousing rendition of The Deads The Women Are Smarter. 

There were a lot of people around and this got the place a hoppin. Fabs, as usual, was scanning the crowd and spotted a good looking babe sitting at the opposite counter. He nudged me and nodded in her direction. She was with a girlfriend. They were watching the band and getting-off on the lyrics of the song. When the guitar player sang the refrain:

_It ain't me
It's the people that say
Men are leading the women astray
But I say, it's the women today
Smarter than the man in every way_
The girls whooped and laughed and clapped their hands  as if this was some kind of great revelation, which of course it isnt. Then the good looking one noticed Fabs. She glanced at him, lowered her head a little and gave him a coquettish come hither smile.

Fabs, looked at me, said, Were on, and struck out for the other side of the bar. I thought it was a bit early but followed obediently. Introductions were made. Fabs grabbed the stool beside the woman and started a conversation. I said hello to her friend, but she was more interested in the band  frankly, so was I. I hung out and listened until the band took a break, then I said goodbye to Fabs, crossed the road and went down to the beach looking for something to eat.

I didnt see Fabs for the rest of that day, nor did I see him on Monday. He was M.I.N. On Tuesday morning I was laying on a beach lounge when he sauntered up and sat down on the sand beside me.

He yawned. He looked beat. I told him so.

Yeah, Im whacked, he said, but its a good whacked. Then he flashed me a triumphant, cat that just ate the canary smile. 


So? I said.

So? So what? All innocent-like but grinning.

Come *on*, man.

So he told me  the whole kiss-n-tell. Ill leave out the finer details (her hair, her scent, various aspects of her body, etc, etc, etc. (No, not very chivalrous, in fact decidedly un-gallant, but I think women do this too.)

Fabs told me that hed spent an hour at Cafe Goa chatting this woman up and buying her drinks. After that, he and the chiquita (thats what he called her) left and went in search of the closest available room that they could find. I guess Fabs was feeling guilty about locking me out of our room the night of The Jungle. They ended up in the TreeHouse Room at Lazy Dayz. Fabs told me that it was a very cool, two-level suite with a big bed on the top level. The only problem he had was that the unit was basically built on a set of tall, telephone-like poles, and when they were gettin it on, they set their little love-nest to swaying back and forth. Fabs said it was a bit scary, but it was fun and made him feel powerful.

So now you have an idea of how Fabs rolls. Lets see what happens next week when he gets here.

_That's right
The women are smarter
That's right
The women are smarter . . ._

----------


## Sophie2012

Can't wait for you to get there, love the report so far!

----------


## Pisces

I think great fun awaits!!!

----------


## sher

> Maybe Im picky, but there is nothing like laying your head to rest on a Goldilocks pillow, and the one Im bringing is juuust right.


Too funny - my boyfriend won't travel anywhere without his pillows! We have to lug those damn things all over the globe with us! In his defense, he does have a lot of neck problems, but I, personally, will not trade precious suitcase space to bring a pillow or two!

----------


## sandy-girl

This report is going to be GOOD!!!  :Stick Out Tongue:

----------


## jan24

LOL. Oh, the stories you will be able to tell after this reach.....

----------


## justchuck

This is a great pretrip report.  I'm looking forward to you actually getting to Negril!

----------


## Kahuna3

Why are the good looking flight attendants always in the business class cabin? Isnt that a blatant example of female objectification? I got busted twice checking out a tall, black haired beauty on the flight down . . . so much for stealth lechery.

There was an ENORMOUS line up at Customs. We arrived shortly after a Virgin 747-400 and the customs hall was clogged. But all went well and I was out in the taxi area without too much delay. Id booked Clives and was met by his Greeter. He apologized, saying that Clive would be late, as there had been some unforeseen delays. OK  so I got a Red Stripe and chilled.

Heres something I dont understand  how is it that the first sip of the first Red Stripe of the trip is like a draft of heavenly ambrosia?  OMG it was so good. The second sip isnt as good and the third pales in comparison. Why is that? Im sure it must be psychosomatic. 

So I sipped on my Stripe and waited  taking in the hubbub of the Red Caps, and the taxis and buses coming and going. The harried, newly arrived. Then I got another beer; Clive wasnt there yet. Midway through my 3rd Stripe the Man arrived. He was profusely apologetic. He loaded my heavy bags and we were on our way  40 minutes late. But I really didnt care  I had arrived in Jamaica  no problem, mon. Clive and I had a good chat on our way to Negril. It turned out the reason for his tardiness was somewhat out of his control. He had planned to pick up a woman in Negril and bring her to MoBay, then pick me up. He said the timing was good  that is, until he arrived at The Tree House to pick up his fare. She was otherwise occupied  seems she wanted to spend more time with her Renta. She made Clive wait and wait  he said he almost left her there, but finally she emerged and got into his van. Thats why he was late picking me up. Oh well  I wouldve left her there, the inconsiderate b%t&h.

I got to White Sands at 8:30pm. Francis greeted me and we talked hockey for a while. In my room, I quickly dug my shorts, sandals and tank top out of my bag.
Then I set off for the beach. Ill be brief here because its getting late.

Sandy Haven is not open yet  still dark and fenced in.

Myrnas store has been re-arranged, its very spacious and Myrna is just a sweet as ever. They had to put a new engine on Red Stripe; Myrna told me the old one blew up! They had the boat up near the shore at Boat Bar  she told me they were welding the new engine onto the boat so that it wouldnt be stolen  whuh!
There was a concert at Roots  15US or 1200J  I passed it up.

Stopped at Sunnyside talked to Robert  he is well and it was good to see him. There's a big party planned at Sunnyside tomorrow  Im going.

Theres a new store just north of Roots called Irie Needs, it just opened  the building is new and spacious and bright  one of the owners is a beautiful, bright eyed Canadian girl  I got some plantain chips. 

Called home on my laptop  used the Skype call phone feature (not the video Skype). With this I dont need a phone in Negril. I bought $14.00 of credits and with that I can use my laptop to call anywhere in North America at really, really cheap rates. I used to get a phone when here but Id always leave it in my room, since I refuse to carry a phone with me. I hate cell phones; I actually dont even own one. 

I know Im gonna get behind on this report  my problem is Im so long winded. But I will try to keep it in real time  I know how much I need trip reports when Im between trips  Ill try . . . just dont expect perfect, organized prose  Ill be posting rough 1st drafts.

Plans for tomorrow morning include a long beach walk and a swim along the buoy line from White Sands to Sandy Haven. 

Im sitting on the verandah here and the tree frogs are gleeping. A dog is barking in the distance. The moon has just set. Its pleasantly cool. Im so happy to finally be here. 
Im tired and Im going to bed to lay my head on my perfect pillow.

Likkle more . . .

----------


## Momthor3

Thanks for the glimpse-soon come!

----------


## poolguywindsor

Ok so I am no writer and even worse typer, but now that I have a seatsale 8 day trip coming up soon, hope to accidentally run into the kahuna!

----------


## jan24

Sweet dreams Kahuna3...enjoy the day.

----------


## Brian

Just finished Sunset Negril. I could NOT put it down! Great, great read! Looking forward to your trip report!

----------


## deanna

Love this report! I'm just starting my second book also, Sunset in Negril  :Smile:

----------


## Kahuna3

> Just finished Sunset Negril. I could NOT put it down! Great, great read! Looking forward to your trip report!


Thank you Brian and Deanna! (your checks are in the mail - just as arranged)
PGW - would like to meet up with you, mon

*Ahhhhhhhhhh*

What a difference a night makes! I was feeling a bit uppity when I posted last night. But now I can feel my Negril Groove coming on.

This morning, well rested, I totally organized my room. Then I lathered up with 30SPF and set out on my beach walk. Big smile on my face. Wow  the beach is crowded! No really big changes to report  the sands have shifted, there is now a lot of beach in front of Moon Dance Villas, other years youd have to walk around the trees to keep your feet dry. Walked all the way up to where the big AIs start at the north end of the beach. There I went for a dip.
Check out the gecko on the leaf in this photo. . . .


Then I walked back to White Sands, donned my swim goggles and nose clip and swam the buoy line there  does anybody know of a good nose clip?  I guess Ill just have to live with sea water in my sinuses. For me, a swim in Mother Ocean first thing in the morning is pure bliss; a coddling realm of bubbles, muted sounds and shifting light. I zone-out when I swim - its like a mini return to the womb. 

After that I went into town to get some supplies. My God, do I have a large JUST ARRIVED sign on my back? By the time I had walked from the route taxi to Value Master, I was asked no less than half a dozen times if I wanted: 
- a taxi (no I just got out of one), 
- if I needed a guide to walk with me  when I said no he accused me of having no respect 
- did I need a taxi,
- did I want to change money,
- would I Iike to see a fellows store  oranges and bannanas?

- Again  would I like to change money??
Well, the Cambio was closed. I had intended to change some CAN$ in JMD$.  Hmmmm.  

What rate will you give me - for Canadian? I asked the guy. (yes, I know  I should know better).

Eighty-five, he said.  That sounded decent, so I said, OK, change me 100 Canadian  that will be 8500, right?

Yah, mon, come over here, He went behind a bush.

He shuffled a wad of bills and then handed a stack of Nannies to me. While tightly gripping my two 50$ CDN bills, I counted the J$. Thats only eight thousand, I said.

What!? He replied, incredulously. I handed the bills back to him. He counted them rapidly. So I owe you five hundred? he said.

Yes. I still held onto my bills.
He slowly pulled another $500 from his back pocket, then grasped my bills. He tugged on my bills and pulled his bills back at the same time saying, Let me give you some thousands.

I held fast to my bills and let him take his stack of Nannies back.

No thanks, I said. I turned and left. I was followed by a stream of muttered invectives, some of which Id never heard before.

Went to the Value Master and stocked up; bananas, coconut, papaya, water crackers, cheese, scallions  and a Rock Bun!

Crossed over to the Chinie-Mans and got a flat of 24 Cranberry Wata.  All set now.

Its clear and hot this afternoon. Im going to the party at Sunnyside and will visit Rob and Lisa (good Canadian girl) at Aqua for sunset.

Lay-tah!

----------


## poolguywindsor

Hope we cross paths during my stay I move around alot so should not be a problem, just have to find a reasonable room.

----------


## Clarity

> For me, a swim in Mother Ocean first thing in the morning is pure bliss; a coddling realm of bubbles, muted sounds and shifting light. I zone-out when I swim - it’s like a mini return to the womb.


Love that!
I feel the same way in the ocean

Enjoying your updates :Smile:

----------


## Brian

Roland, I have to tell you, I enjoyed Sunset Negril so much I pulled out Walk Good for a re-read. Honestly, it was very enjoyable. I hope we can meet when I'm down there in three weeks. It would be a pleasure to meet you!

----------


## Kahuna3

> Hope we cross paths during my stay I move around alot so should not be a problem, just have to find a reasonable room.


PGW - I would like to meet up with you - but I don't know where you got the idea that we should 'find a reasonable room' together. Sorry if I mislead you, but I'm not that kind of guy. We would have to have a couple of drinks to start off with - at least.

----------


## Crusher

LOL Kahuna!!

----------


## poolguywindsor

Ok dont worry only shared a room with a friend once wont happen again , had to read what I posted over twice to make sure I wasnt missing something?lol

----------


## booger

> PGW - I would like to meet up with you - but I don't know where you got the idea that we should 'find a reasonable room' together. Sorry if I mislead you, but I'm not that kind of guy. We would have to have a couple of drinks to start off with - at least.


Hahahahahaaaaaha. Man love soon come......

----------


## Kahuna3

Yesterday afternoon I went up to Sunset Beach bar for my first beer of the day. Again I experienced the Red Stripe phenomenon; the initial sip from that cool, just opened, stubby brown bottle was like the sweet kiss of a chaste first cousin, filled with lurid promises that can never be fulfilled (unless you live in the backwoods of Kentucky or anywhere in Newfoundland.)

I was a little surprised to see Rob and Lisa sitting at the bar because I knew they has a webcast later in the afternoon from Aqua web-cast  it was really good to see them.  

Later, I wandered down to Aqua for a beer then for sunset I went to the Sunnyside Bar party. The bar is small and the benches there can only seat  at a maximum  ten patrons if they all have skinny bums and dont mind cozying-up. There were 41 people crowded around the bar when I counted heads just before the sun set. The occasion was the annual orthodontist office group bash, moved this year from the For Real Bar (I Loved That Bar :>( ). They hail from somewhere in Wisconsin, I think.

It was a great sunset.

I walked the beach again this morning  it is so astoundingly beautiful  the soft yield of the sand under my feet, the swish of the surf lapping the shore, the sunlight dancing on the surface of the water, the sun on my back, growing hot, the frigates and pelicans gracefully cutting the air overhead, the wide open, deep blue sky. Words cannot describe. I feel truly blessed to be in this place at this time.

I approached Sandals, as I frequently do, with a rising swell of expectations. Maybe today they would be there. You know the ones  the beautiful people who inhabit the Sandals brochures and TV commercials  young, happy, smiling, laughing. Running and jumping through the surf in slow motion. Beautiful bodies, hair and beach attire. But alas, yet again, they are not there  in their stead, as usual, was a thoroughly mundane company of average looking vacationers sprawled on the lounges. My anticipation quickly yielded to bitter disappointment - then shock.

My eyes, scanning the track before me, settled on the crotch of an older gentleman who was approaching me, walking in the opposite direction. (By now you will know that I am thoroughly ensconced in the heterosexual side of the spectrum  so dont get any ideas.)

What was it that captured my gaze? A banana sling. Light blue. Hanging loosely on the narrow hips of the old boy. It was startling. I immediately pulled my eyes away, but in the instant that the apparition held my focus, I noted that the conveyance was much too large for its intended cargo. Its contents wobbled and jostled freely about within, like two tomcats fighting in a silk pillowcase. (think C cup on an A sized boob.)

The old gentleman had no business wearing such a contraption. Not that being old, in and of itself, would be a reason not to. But when your body is the human equivalent of a 1986 Ford Taurus from upstate New York with 195,000 hard miles on it . . . 

We passed and I exhaled my involuntarily withheld breath. 

Why, oh, why did I yield to the temptation to turn around and check his backside? It must have been the same reflex that causes one to stare at a car accident on the highway, or to look at the mutilated carcass of an animal that has been hit by a car.

But yield I did; and I looked. Ill spare you the hairy details, only because I dont want to dwell on how little three narrow cords of material can cover something that should always be hidden from sight. (Where does a mans butt go when his age creeps north of 50?)

Think Ill rent a motor bike this afternoon.
Going to the Mighty Diamonds concert tonite at Bourbon Beach.


Lifes a beach,
Peace  out

----------


## Kimbobwee

Funny!!!  It is Negril, after all....

----------


## spottycatz

I was on the beach with you for all that. Loving the vibe already.

----------


## Clarity

lol! I'm trying to shake off those last visuals... 

I wish the office I worked for would do annual group bash trips to Jamaica. I should have become an orthodontist...

Sounds like Sunnyside was packed. That's awesome! I know it was a bit slow for Maureen & Robert when they first opened the new bar. I hope it keeps going strong, I really love the vibe there.

Have a fun night, K3!

----------


## negrilaholic

OMG I could not stop laughing I could just see it..sometimes no pic is necessary.  :Smile:

----------


## poolguywindsor

As I walked the beach with my kids around new years I caught them giggleing and whispering a few times, to realize they had spotted one of those. lol

----------


## luvjabd

> I walked the beach again this morning  it is so astoundingly beautiful  the soft yield of the sand under my feet, the swish of the surf lapping the shore, the sunlight dancing on the surface of the water, the sun on my back, growing hot, the frigates and pelicans gracefully cutting the air overhead, the wide open, deep blue sky. Words cannot describe. I feel truly blessed to be in this place at this time.


Who feels it knows! This paragraph has me aching to be back there again!!! Soon come, just 3 more days!

----------


## Maryann

Oh, no!  That's a visual I don't want stuck in my head.  Have seen some old(er) ladies wearing thongs, but that takes the cake!

----------


## Kahuna3

Got a bike yesterday afternoon and went a ramblin. Bloody Bay out to the West Ender and points in between. Here are some shots.





Sorry to say I didnt make it to the concert last night  you know that line from the Jimmy Buffet song Changes in Latitudes
_ Bumped into a chum with a bottle of rum
           And we would up drinkin all night_
Well, after sunset last night, it kinda went like that. Which isnt totally bad, I need to make sure my batteries are fully charged  Fabs arrives tomorrow.

----------


## Kahuna3

Walked the beach again this morning and saw the banana sling approaching from afar  averted my gaze and passed without incident  do you think I should say something?

This afternoon I went out the road to Sav and turned upland, went through Orange Hill and ended up at Jurassic Park. If anyone was ever going to make a movie that was set in a Jamaican country village, Orange Hill would be the ideal place. What a beautiful little place.
Along the way I got propositioned twice. Below are are some photos of my meanderings.




Dont know whats up for tonight, but Im booked on the Love Bus Pub crawl tomorrow afternoon.
It's starting to rain a likkle . . .

Finally - a shot of me 'lookin' dangerous' on my mighty steed (A Honda Pleasure - how's that for danger?)

----------


## Maryann

Great bad-ass biker shot!

"Do you think I should say something?"  Nah.

----------


## Aimbri

Very nice K3... Lost the training wheels?    j/k

----------


## sandy-girl

DANGER!!! Watch yourself!!!

----------


## jeannieb

What a great read. You look good on the bike!  :Wink: 
P.S. can you pretty please post a picture of Fab?

----------


## Crusher

> P.S. can you pretty please post a picture of Fab?


I was waiting for one of the ladies on here to wade into the waters! Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!!  :Stick Out Tongue:

----------


## marley9808

Hell I thought maybe that WAS Fabs on the bike....look at those muscles!  :Wink: 
You could start your own motorcycle gang!  :Smile: 

Have fun on the pub crawl....oh my, are you taking Fabs on that? Don't shut it down you crazy guys I was looking forward to going again in April LOL

And wait......no reviews on the Hummingbird yet?
Hahahahaha, sounds like you are enjoying your time Kahuna! 
Thanks for taking us all along

P.S. That old man in the banana hammock must visit often, I swear I see him on the beach every trip! Yikes!

----------


## Kahuna3

> What a great read. You look good on the bike! 
> P.S. can you pretty please post a picture of Fab?


Nice try 'jeannieb' - but I'm familiar with the 'compliment - request' tactic - I brought up two teenage daughters. Sorry, but there will be *NO* photos of Fabs - let your imagination run wild - that way he can be whatever you want him to be. 


Every visit to Negril I have to look for my groove. It hides on me  its a game. How long can my groove successfully hide form me? It usually it takes me a few days, but Ill never know where Ill find it. Last year it was really elusive  and I never really found it. 

This afternoon, while chilling in my room, I had the sense that the chase was drawing to a close  so I set out on my bike to find my groove. I knew it was out there just waiting to be found. My first stop was Canoe for a beer. No groove there. Then I went to the CW Country Western bar  I walked into a party  a bunch of Michigan-ites, partying like it was 1999. The beer at the CW bar comes with an insulated wrap! The soundtrack was a raunchy CW number  some guy bragging that he had a 12 inch bamboo, a dozen roses and a pick-up truck  it was a sing along. My groove wasnt there, but I was closing in.  

So I went up to Pee Wees. There were several groups at the bar, a couple of older Rastas were rolling-up on the bar top. Pee Wees, as you probably know, is a free ganja zone. A dancehall beat throbbed from the speakers. I walked out to cliffs edge and admired the view back towards the beach. It was just before sunset, the waves were crashing into the base of the cliffs. The Blue Cave Castle stood majestically above the fray.

I went back and sat at the bar  working on my beer. Beanie Man came on. The sun was setting, the music filled the air, intermingled with a curling cloud of ganja smoke from the Rastas beside me. The bartender was bopping to the tune and so was I. He smiled at me and we bumped fists. I tipped my Stripe up, and as I drained the last dregs of my 3rd Stripe of the evening  I found it  my Negril Groove. 

We melded - me and my groove. Right there at Pee Wees. I wish I could describe the feeling, its kind of a gushy, comfy, settling, homey feel, but you probably know what Im talking about.  

I hung at Pee Wees for another one then headed back to town. Theres an ice cream stand on the sea side almost all the way into town. It was windy and there were a couple of frigate birds playing in the air currents just were rising just above the building. I stopped and watched them for 10 minutes. They were only fifteen feet above my head. Wings stretched to their max, forked tails twitching in the air currents. They whirled, gyred and dove, gracefully sluicing the sea wind.  Twice they came close enough to each other that one squawked and pecked the other  they were playing. It was joyous and uplifting to watch them. They are magnificent, beautiful creatures.

I continued on and stopped in at the Sea View. I sat at a bar stool, ordered a beer and thought of an old friend of mine named Tanisha  she likes to be called Tash.

What a relief it was to find my groove  I just hope I dont lose it. 

Tonight, as I sit here in my room, I feel as if Im waiting for a hurricane to make landfall. Its the proverbial calm before the storm. 
Tomorrow my buddy Fabs arrives on the rock.
(Why do I get the feeling that some of you are just putting up with my ramblings in this thread until Fabs gets here?)
Yah - it's gonna be fun . . . 
Likkle more

----------


## Bossman

Enjoying it K3...........thanks

*soon come can't come soon enough!*

----------


## Clarity

I really loved this update, I could really visualize all the moments you were describing
Glad you found your groove

Thank you for taking us along! :Smile:

----------


## Sam I Am

Thanks for the report.  I miss White Sands and Negril so much right now.

----------


## Kimbobwee

Tanisha, no whisper in your ear?  Enjoy!

----------


## NikkiB

> P.S. That old man in the banana hammock must visit often, I swear I see him on the beach every trip! Yikes!


Marley I've been thinking the same thing since I first read it.  He must live there for the winter.... what a sight!

----------


## marley9808

LOL...for real NikkiB!

----------


## WiscoJudy

"I noted that the conveyance was much too large for its intended cargo. Its contents wobbled and jostled freely about within, like two tomcats fighting in a silk pillowcase. (think C cup on an A sized boob.)"

This line has me laughing out loud.  After a tough week, thanks for the laugh.  :Big Grin:

----------


## Kahuna3

Today I got up late (9:00) and went for a beach walk and swim (yes, Im a creature of habit). Because I was two hours later than normal it was freakin hot on the way back down the beach. I had to re-lather three times from my likkle portable SPF30 bottle.

Saw the cock-sock dude again (can I say that?). I almost stopped and asked him, What were you thinking when you packed that thing? in my best Dr. Phil impression. I mean, its all floppy and wobbly. . . people behind him were snickering. One guy had taken a picture and was showing his wife and they were having a good laugh.

Theres a HUGE yacht anchored off Negril today  Im talkin really big - like Arab Sheik sized.  Ill try and get a photo of it.

I went into Hi Lo and picked up a few things including a bottle of Red Stripe Light -Ginger.  I wanted to try it. Also went to the Cambio and stocked up - (2nd time already! WTF?). I need the J$ cash because you know who will be here late this afternoon and the burn rate is gonna go way up. 

The weather here is crystal clear, with a light breeze, and its hot. Im going on the Pub crawl in about an hour  looking forward to it.

----------


## poolguywindsor

Never thought of it as finding a groove, but know what you mean.

----------


## deanna

Oh the "pub crawl"  I wish they would have back on realnegril again....this is fun reading, it makes my days go by a little faster until my trip :Cool:

----------


## poolguywindsor

There was a picture on Facebook earlier of a white guy passed out in front of No Limit, hope it wasnt Kahuna3.

----------


## irieworld

ha ha I saw that pic on FB too! But I think it was posed--to take advantage of the signage "No Limit" and saying maybe there was a limit :Smile:

----------


## Kahuna3

That FB photo of the guy Passed out at he No Limit bar wasn't me. . .  but I was talking to that guy just before he 'passed out'.

I left the pub crawl (which was a blast!) early so that I could be back at the hotel when Fabs got there. I hung around the office for a while, then went to the rec. area and shot a couple of games of solo pool  I won both games.

I heard a bus pull up and went out to the driveway. I could see Fabs inside the bus. He yanked the sliding door open and yelled, Hey Mon! he yelled.
He looked as if he was stepping from the pages of GQ. He sported a crisp hairstyle and was smartly dressed  nothing outlandish  just everything he wore was casual, coordinated and complimentary. He had a bit of a tan from the fake bake sessions, and I knew that hed been dieting for the last month and going to the gym four times a week, doing his beach-body workout. His teeth would be freshly bleached, his back, chest and eyebrows newly waxed, his nostril and ear hairs harvested, and his finger and toe nails spa mani-pedded. 

He'd probably clipped and trimmed in other places too, but Im not going to take you there.  

As he stepped out of the van, Fabs was the poster-child for detailed, head to toe man-scaping.

Which was in stark contrast to me; its not that I dont groom, I do  but its not the first thing I think of when I get up in the morning, especially when Im in Negril. My tendency is to neglect my toenails. Im six foot, two inches tall, so my toenails are a long way down  an out-of-sight and out-of-mind type situation. For me, the chore of clipping my toenails is somewhat like cleaning out the garage  a task that Ill get around to . . . someday.

When I saw Fabs in all his resplendentry, I reached up and scratched at my two-day stubble.

There were a couple of young women, a blonde and a redhead (and I looove redheads) on the shuttle who pulled the windows open and waved goodbye to Fabs, saying, See you at Ricks for sunset in two days. So - Fabs had already been at work. 

Fabs and I shook hands and did the one-armed, self-conscious, hope-nobody-is-watching, guy-hug thing.
After Fabs got all settled in his room, he came down to the beach where I was anchored, pinned there by a particularly strong concentration of beach-gravity. Hed sparked one up in his room as he unpacked and was all mellowed out. We hung out on the beach until sunset. 

OK 'jeannieb', I've thought it over and decided to post a photo of Fabs:

----------


## Dana1

Haha...Fabs has a strong resemblance to Matthew McConaughey LOL  :Smile:

----------


## Guirigay

That's funny Kahuna! Damn, Fabs might be the Sexiest Man Alive...

----------


## Sophie2012

Hilarious picture pf Fabs!  I'd still like to see a real one sometime on your report  :Embarrassment:  Either way, loving your journey and can't wait to read more.

----------


## marley9808

LOL.....love it!

Fabs _IS_ cute! He also looks like the kind of guy who could spark one and then I don't know maybe play some bongos in the nude or something
hahaha

----------


## mud

now you know what id look like if i didnt shave my head

----------


## booger

> LOL.....love it!
> 
> Fabs _IS_ cute! He also looks like the kind of guy who could spark one and then I don't know maybe play some bongos in the nude or something
> hahaha


Lol! Your buddy sounds too metro to be a Mcconnaughy guy. I have a buddy just like him and his game is second to none.....

----------


## Pisces

Fab Report...lovin' the visuals!

----------


## Kahuna3

Yes, Fabs does look remarkably like Matthew McConaughey. But, as you shall soon see, some think he looks like Nicolas Cage.



OK - here we go into full 'GUY' mode . . . 

After sunset we got chicken at Best in The West and scarfed it down on Fabs deck. Then we set out to do our regular night thing  thats drinking and trolling for loose women; loose as in un-attached, not the other loose. Wed been up and down the beach, stopping in at the usual haunts, Tonys, Fun Holiday, Boat Bar, Tree House  places where Fabs had had some success before. 
So, it was getting quite late and wed been cruising all night and Fabs hadnt found any takers  this in spite of buying a lot of drinks and even reverting to the late-night tactic of lining up the Tequila shooters in an attempt to get em drunk. Fabs had had a couple of nibbles, which was not unusual, but he wasnt able to seal the deal, which was unusual.

We walked up to the bar at Sun Beach and ordered a couple of Stripes. Fabs was getting depressed; hed been looking forward to coming to Negril for so long and, like many single guys, hed envisioned his first night on the beach as a prolonged hedonistic, debaucherous party replete with ranks of fawning females. Well, as it turned out, the beach was actually kind of dead. Fabs is not used to striking out. I think he needs to score  its like hes addicted to it.

Wed been at the bar for a couple of minutes when we heard female voices approaching from down the beach; naturally, we perked up. In short order we spotted the women. There were four of them, emerging like specters from the dark. They were laughing, talking loudly and stumbling their way to the bar. It was obvious that they were quite drunk.

The lead of the group got within thirty feet of the bar, then she spotted Fabs and made a bee-line for him.

Uh  Oh! I said.

Theyre big-uns, Fabs snorted. Fabs is really picky about his women; he likes them on the lean side. I guess he can afford that luxury. Truth be told, Fabs scorns heavy-set women and can be quite disdainful towards them. The other day we were lounging in front of White Sands and Fabs, as usual, was propped up in his lounge scanning the passing beach traffic. I knew hed spotted a big-un when he uttered, rather derisively, Thar she blows! with a piratical affectation to his voice.

Me, Im not so picky: I like em short, and I like em tall. I like em big, and I like em small. Just like Jesus, I love em all.

All four of the women approaching the Sun Beach bar were of substantial girth; not a pound under two-fifty any one of them. It looked and sounded as if they were on a serious bender too. Since they were still in their day-time beach wear, I assumed that theyd been drinking a good part of the afternoon and all evening.

Oh! Arent chew a purdy one! the lead girl squealed as she berthed into Fabs lap, spraying him with fine droplets of spittle. She wrapped her arms around him. Lookee what I got here girls! Then she leaned back, pointed at Fabs nose and peered down her finger like she was aiming a pistol and cried, You look like Nicolas Caaage!

Her friends had gathered beside her and they were ooo-ing and aww-ing, examining Fabs and generally agreeing that, yes indeed, he did look like Nicolas Cage (in Nics younger days, when he wasnt quite so creepy looking, they consented). Theyd formed a tight cluster of quivering female flesh with Fabs, looking helpless and aghast, firmly pinned in the middle.

The girls totally ignored me  it was as if I wasnt there  which was not unusual, but this time I was okay with it.

Hes mine, I saw im first! the lead girl exclaimed. She hiccupped loudly, then proclaimed, Were from Eye-Oh-Whaaa! dragging out the whaaa as she exhaled alcoholic fumes into Fabs face.

Fabs was stricken, he tried to pull back, but the bikini-clad big-uns had a death-grip on him. I was quite enjoying the spectacle. I sat back and took a long pull on my beer, waiting to see what happened next. You cant buy entertainment like that.

Ill fight-cha for em, Clara! one suddenly shouted to another.

Yer on! bellowed the other. They let go of Fabs and thumped down onto the sand in front of him. They jostled around until they were laying side-by-side, head to toe, then each raised a leg  revealing quite a bit more than a lady ought to. It was quite a sight to see, I can attest. It became obvious that they were going to Indian-leg-wrassle for Fabs.

Fabs looked at me, his eyes wide. He was terrified. I laughed suddenly and explosively  beer jetted from my nose  I choked and coughed and sneezed all at the same time. As much as I like Red Stripe, having it forcefully propelled through my nostrils was not pleasant.

The girls had hooked their ham-sized legs at the ankles and were grunting loudly as they exerted themselves. Their companions were hunched over them, hands on their knees, cheering them on. The bartender was leaning over the bar to get a better vantage point. I was transfixed.

Freed from the fleshy trap, Fabs hopped off the bar-bench and grabbed me. Dude! he yelled, and then he sprinted for the beach. I snatched my beer from the bar-top and followed him.

Once we got a safe distance out we stopped and looked back. The ladies were still at it. One of them, Clara I believe, was canted up at a 45 degree angle and was about to lose the wrasslin match. The other two danced about them, shouting encouragement. None of them realized that the prize they were fighting for had escaped the arena.

That was scary, man, Fabs said, catching his breath.

I thought it was funny, I replied.

Yah, whatever. Where to next?

----------


## Kahuna3

We didnt want to pack it in - wed spent a lot on booze and had a good buzz going and didnt want to waste it. It was very late so we decided to go up to Scrub-A-Dub  the strip club up the Texaco road. I guess Fabs figured that since he wasnt going to get any, he might just as well go up there and have a good look at what he was missing out on.

So we hiked out to the road and flagged a taxi.
Scrub-A-Dub. What a place.

Our taxi eased up to the heavy gates and a pair of burly, tough-looking dudes came out and looked into the back seat. They gave Fabs and me the once-over.

Okay, one of them said and nodded. The tall gates swung slowly open. We rolled into the yard. I had a flash that we were passing through the gates of Mordor - in a way, we were. We climbed out of the taxi and entered the establishment, where we were thoroughly frisked.

Inside it was almost totally devoid of any light and the music was ridiculously loud. We were a bit disoriented, but worked our way over to a table and settled down. Within a minute our eyes adjusted to the darkness. Within another minute there were three dancers at our table. Two of them were sitting in Fabs lap; he had an arm wrapped around each and was grinning widely. The girls were very friendly and they were gorgeous. They had quick hands too; caressing our thighs, squeezing our shoulders, tickling the backs of our necks - and deftly sneaking into our pockets. We knew from previous visits that some of the girls at Scrub-A-Dub will pick you clean if given the opportunity.

The front wall of the club was covered in a lattice-work of interlinked piping. Several dancers, in various stages of undress, were clambering across the pipes like harpy spiders. It was fascinating.

I could go on, but I wont. What goes down in Scrub-A-Dub . . . you know. Lets just say that Fabs and I stayed there for a few hours. In fact, we stayed just as long as our cash supply lasted.

When we stepped outside, the sky to the east was just starting to show some bashful pink. Prior to entering the club, Fabs and I had each had stashed $500J in the soles of our shoes for taxi fare back down to the beach. There are no taxis at that time of the night/morning, so we talked a rude bwoy that was hanging around outside the club to shuttle us.

Back at the hotel, I said goodnight to Fabs and as I closed the door to my room I heard a rooster crowing.

Yup, for a first night, it wasnt bad.

----------


## poolguywindsor

Great read, but seriously the large girls were wraslin in the sand! Would pay to see that.

----------


## Clarity

> Me, I’m not so picky: I like em short, and I like em tall. I like em big, and I like em small. Just like Jesus, I love em all.


LOL!!
This whole entry had me cracking up!

So Fabs looks like a mixture of Matthew Mcconaughey and a pre-creepified Nicholas Cage?
Eh, pssht...Not my type. :Wink: 
500 JA in your shoe for the taxi - now that's smart!

----------


## Delta

I literally laughed out loud!  Very loud!  That was heee-lar-ious!  

A Matthew/pre-creepy Nick is an interesting combination.

----------


## Clarity

> A Matthew/pre-creepy Nick is an interesting combination.


Delta -  You're right.. I uploaded a picture of Nicholas and Matthew into Morphthing.com. 



Alright ladies, there you go. 
hmmm....I take back what I wrote earlier lol
j/k Markus!
k3 - Enjoying your TR and looking forward to hearing about more guy mode adventures :Big Grin:

----------


## irieworld

well done clarity! too funny and he does look like a total player  :Smile:

----------


## booger

ahaahahaaa. Damn, I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. I shot Red Stripe all over my Mac thru my nose as you described......

Looking forward to the next installment.

----------


## marley9808

LOL, that is hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

----------


## irie luv

This entire report is SOOOOO entertaining!!! From the description of the man scaping, to the lady looking for her draws, you listening at the door in a non perverted way, the bannana slinging elder, to the sand wrestling....and then to end the night at Scrub a Dub and leaving the club and seeing the sunrise! Thats the way to party!!!! You guys sound like you had so much fun!! And this is night 1! I cant wait to hear about the rest of the trip, this is a great trip report. I love the way you tell the story. 

Clarity, that picture of the guys morped together is so funny, he actually is a cute morphed dude!!

----------


## Kahuna3

> Delta -  You're right.. I uploaded a picture of Nicholas and Matthew into Morphthing.com. 
> 
> Alright ladies, there you go. 
> hmmm....I take back what I wrote earlier lol


Wow Clarity - THAT is very close (scary) to Fabs - I actually did a double take.
If there was a little more Nicolas and a little less Mathew - that would be Fabs.

----------


## jeannieb

LOL. Thanks for posting the picture of Fabs.  :Smile:  This report is great! I'm smiling while reading.

----------


## Kahuna3

It rained most of the the afternoon - so I've had time to get synched up again.  Here's an update.
No specific plans for tonight yet



I have a habit of waking up a little after sunrise and, in spite of having being up all night trolling the beach and drinking, this morning was no exception. I got out of bed, groggy, left the room and went for a dip in the ocean out in front of White Sands. The cool, fresh sea water brought me around a little. While I dripped dry I looked around for Fabs but he was nowhere to be seen. No surprise, it was early. I hauled a beach lounge into the shade of a coconut palm, flopped down upon it, and promptly dozed off. I dont know how long I slept, but I awoke some time later when the fruit lady came by. Her calls of AAANNNNY FRUITS? roused me. Feeling the need to continue with my nap, I stumbled back up to my room, turned on the A/C and passed out for what seemed to be a long, long time.

When I awoke from my prolonged nap, I was bleary and thickheaded. You know how it feels when youve over slept what was supposed to be a twenty minute cat-nap? I had no idea what time it was and since I dont wear a watch when Im on the beach, I wasnt about to dig my Ironman out to check. To tell the truth, I had a bit of a hangover, and for the umpteenth time I swore that I would never again try to match Fabs when he got going on his damn Tequila shooters.

I got out of bed and lurched out onto the balcony. The beach was awash in bright sunshine. By the quality of the light, I judged it to be early afternoon.

Gazing out across the ocean, my perception of the world came slowly into focus. I regained enough consciousness to remember that I had agreed to meet some people at the Sun Beach bar in the afternoon. They had copies of my books, (this is where I unabashedly pimp my titles  Walk Good and Sunset Negril, both available on Amazon.com), and Id said I would sign them. After splashing some water on my face I lurched down the stairs and walked out to the beach. The sea was aqua, the sky was a matchless blue . . . it was another beautiful day in paradise. I glanced over to the sun deck where Fabs and I usually camped out, but he wasnt there. Probably sleeping up in his room, I figured.

I wandered northward, feeling lethargic. Halfway to Sun Beach I began to feel coherent again. When I arrived, a quick look around the bar confirmed that the people Id arranged to meet were not there. Hmmmm. What to do? Then I noticed that there were three good looking young women sitting together on the far side of the bar, sipping on tall cocktails. Where was Fabs when I needed him?

It was very early in the day for me, Id virtually just gotten out of bed, but these girls were definitely worth checking out. I pushed my sunglasses up on my nose and sauntered nonchalantly around the back of the bar to a craft shop that was located back there. I tried on a couple of hats, which is really strange because I have no need for a hat  I have four with me and a couple of dozen back home. My eyes kept seeking a peek through the shop windows, endeavoring to capture a quick look at the women sitting at the bar. I exited the shop and stood out on the deck there. They were three brunettes, they had a kind of Latina look to them and all three were in bikinis and lookin very fine. As I was checking them out, I thought I saw one of them check me out. Nah, couldnt be - when you cruise with Fabs, it feels strange to get noticed.

I decided to go back to White Sands, find Fabs, bring him back to Sun Beach, and sic him on the babes. I walked back along the beach, checking for Fabs all the way. I didnt see him so I went up to his room. The door was open so I walked in. Hey, Fabs, I called out. He wasnt there.

I wandered into the bathroom  and immediately wished I hadnt. I have a pretty strong gag reflex and I almost tossed the coconut and banana that Id eaten when I got up. The bathroom floor was a disaster. I wont go into details, but the following nouns spring to mind, flotsam, jetsam  crap and corruption. And the smell  Lord, it was powerful enough to knock a turkey buzzard off a honey-wagon.
Nuff said, nah tru?

Obviously, Fabs had managed to plug the toilet while he was dropping the kids off at the pool that morning. Then, just as obviously, hed fled, seeking help.

I turned and beat a hasty retreat. As I got to the door I met Fabs coming back in. He was looking all hound-dog, sheepish and embarrassed. Behind him was Henry, the White Sands general maintenance man and behind him was a worried looking younger maintenance guy, Blacka, who was wearing gloves and boots. He was toting a big, gnarly looking toilet-plunger. Two chambermaids, equipped with pails and mops and cleaning supplies, made up the rear of the procession.

You plugged it good, eh, dude? I announced loudly. It was all I could do to stop from laughing out loud.

Yeah, well, I flushed it and the water just kept coming up and up and . . . you know. Im gonna pay the girls $20 for their trouble, he said.

Twenty? You should be paying them at least $50, I said. By then I was out the door and I burst out laughing. Henry was there and he started to laugh too and we descended the stairs snickering the whole way.

I stopped at the landing and looked up at Fabs, who was standing in the doorway to his room, he looked traumatized. I told him Id meet him at the beach. I felt a sudden and urgent need to fully immerse myself in the ocean.

----------


## Kahuna3

I went down to the beach and got a couple of lounges arranged in our favorite area next to the sun deck, then went for a dip. Our usual practice is to hang out on the beach for a while, swim, catch a few rays, toss a football or Frisbee around, then go for a walk and beers later. When I got back from my swim, Fabs was laid out on his lounge.

That was a nasty piece of business back up there in your room, bro, I said. Really nasty.

He shrugged his shoulders and said, Yah, well . . . sh!t happens.

You can say that again.

Okay, okay. I feel bad for the maids, so lets just forget about it, alright?

Fabs was becoming annoyed.

I wasnt going to let it go that easily. Yeah, well if you want my advice I think you should back off on the chicken and rice a little for a couple of days, maybe just have a quarter instead of your usual half, I said. You know, cut down on the bulk, give your system a chance to self-regulate a little.

Fabs sighed and shook his head.

I continued, Maybe you should consider implementing a safety-flush procedure  you know, like, reach back and flush when youre about half done.

Fabs gave me a withering look; he knew that this wasnt the last that hed hear of the plugged toilet episode. He propped up his lounge and got into a comfortable surveillance position. Then he began scanning the passing beach traffic.

I leaned back on my lounge and closed my eyes. Fabs regularly comments on the women passing by. If he makes low, lecherous sounds, Ill pop up and have a gander. I think I dozed off a little bit, but I came around when I heard Fabs mutter, There goes The Hogs, I hope they dont spot us. The Hogs was the moniker that hed branded the porcine quartet from Eye-Oh-Whaaa with. I didnt bother rising from my lounge.

I dozed a little more  I was awakened when Fabs uttered: Whoaa Baby! Fart and give us a clue. I was familiar with this line  one of Fabs most cutting missives, exclusively reserved for when he spots a particularly corpulent woman waddling down the beach.

Okay, I know when the guys read this they will burst out laughing. Some women will read it and exclaim, What a disgusting pig! or words to that effect. But let me assure you ladies, this is how men talk, and worse, when we are sure no women are listening. And lets be realistic, Im quite sure that women have some choice thoughts, if not verbal comments, when they spot an old, fat, bald guy with a big beer belly hanging over his Speedo, sporting a carpet of thick, black hair on his back. Am I right? And I can only imagine what women say when that same old fat dude has the hand of a pretty, young Jamaican girl in his clammy grasp.

I didnt respond to Fabs comment and I drifted off again (yes, I nap a lot).

When I came to, I saw that Fabs wasnt on his lounge.

I sat up and looked around, it was one of those perfect Negril afternoons; sunny with a few puffy white clouds, the sun spangling of the surface of a sea ruffled by a cool breeze blowing in, little waves washing the shore. Ahhh! Like I said earlier, Ive been coming to Negril for a long time, but afternoons like that never get old.

I let my gaze drift to the south and thats when I spotted Fabs. He was about five lounges over and he was rubbing sunscreen onto the bare chest of an attractive young blonde woman.

WTF?

I closed my eyes, took a few deep breaths and opened them again. No. I hadnt been imagining it - Fabs was slowly massaging lotion onto the chest of a young woman who was clad only in skimpy bikini bottoms.

I know it sounds juvenile, but . . . ITS NOT FAIR! Fabs never has to work for it. He meets a woman and hes immediately on third base (with no outs and a big RBI man coming up)  its like hes gonna score. The rest of us poor suckers; we stand at the plate, theres two out, the count is 3 and 2, and Nolan Ryans clone is glowering at us from the mound. Theres no way were going to get to touch them all.

Fabs was rubbing this blonde down and he was really working the lotion in. He had moved up to her shoulders and neck. As I watched him I noticed that most of the other people on the beach in front of White Sands were gawking too. I couldnt blame them either, just watching the blonde sitting there topless by herself would have been enough, but with the added spectacle of Fabs lubing her up, well, a person can only resist so much gratuitous titillation.

Turned out she was German or Norwegian or one of those Scandinavian types who walk around topless all the time and sit naked in communal saunas, so it was no big deal for her to have a complete stranger rub lotion into her chest.

Riiiight.

Anyhow, Fabs stuck with her and I went for a walk. When I got back to White Sands their gear was still on their lounges but both of them had disappeared. I looked up and down the beach and in the water. They were nowhere to be seen. 

They were conspicuous by their absence, one might say.

I'm in my room now and it's 5:00pm and it's pouring rain. Uggg - hope it stops soon, maybe go to Fabs's room and see if he's up for a beer in town somewhere . . .

----------


## poolguywindsor

Sounds like I am missing too much fun! Good thing I get there soon.

----------


## booger

Nice recount of all things guy time....

----------


## Clarity

What a disgusting pig!! haha :Big Grin: 




> Turned out she was German or Norwegian or one of those Scandinavian types who walk around topless all the time and sit naked in communal saunas, so it was no big deal for her to have a complete stranger rub lotion into her chest.


I lived in Germany for four years. My first experience in one of those communal saunas was eye opening to say the least. Europeans have a _very_ different approach to nudity. 

Oh and speaking of book signings...
Don't forget to sign mine!  :Smile: 

Keep it coming, K3!

----------


## Jenn

OMG I am loving this report! I just read all 12 pages, laughing out loud all the while! Thank you ~ can't wait for more!

----------


## Kahuna3

> Oh and speaking of book signings...
> Don't forget to sign mine!


Clarity - I won't forget.
Yesterday I saw something that I thought you might like - so I took a photo . . . . . a couple of dozen DEAD lion fish.

----------


## Mr. Twister

Kahuna....Were they selling the fish to a restaurant? I encouraged some of the local chef's to put it on their menu on my last trip to help decrease the lionfish population.

----------


## Kahuna3

> Kahuna....Were they selling the fish to a restaurant? I encouraged some of the local chef's to put it on their menu on my last trip to help decrease the lionfish population.


Mr. Twister - I don't know where the lion fish were destined, I just saw them and snapped a photo and didn't ask any questions.

Earlier today Fabs and I were sitting in our usual spot next to the sun deck when three females pulled up close to us, an older woman and two teenagers. They were speaking French  it sounded like the Quebec variety. They made a big deal about getting settled, a lot of talking, moving their beach bags around and flapping of towels. They were loud and brash and had potty-mouths (I speak French, so I understood their lingo). From the way they acted I quickly formed the opinion that they were the trailer-park/Jersey-Shore-trash type (no offence to anyone who lives in a trailer park or in Jersey). When the trio was finally settled, one of the girls turned on her boom box and cranked it up. The music was the typical crap that girls her age listen to.

Fabs and I figured that it was a either a mother with her two daughters, or a mother and daughter with a friend. Anyhow, these girls were maybe (and Im being generous here), eighteenish  its hard to tell these days. After a few minutes the girls decided to go for a swim. They stood up and popped their tops off; their bottoms were micro-thongs. 

Im no prude but I felt a little uneasy seeing these really young girls flaunting their still-developing bodies  and so did Fabs. And make no mistake  these two Lolitas were strutting and preening and putting on a show.

We decided that we would go for a walk up to Sun Beach for a beer and check the beach scene  which we did. We had a couple up there and then slowly headed back to White Sands. When we got back we were a little surprised to see that the mom and teenagers had moved onto our lounges, having placed our towels on the lounges that theyd previously occupied. Not a big deal, but . . . hey.

The mom looked to be on the downside of her forties; she had that rode-hard-and-put-away-wet look about her. She came over and explained that they had to move us because they needed to get closer to the plug-in under the sun-deck for their boom box. Then she gave Fabs a big smile and a twiddly-finger wave and walked away twitching her substantial backside as she went.

Yah gonna take one for the team there, Fabs? I prodded.

There is not enough liquor in Jamaica, brother, he snorted.

You sure? I think shes got it for you. Maybe you could arrange for a mother-daughter thing? You know, Wilt Chamberlain style, you told me you always wanted to do that.

Fabs had a pained expression. Absolutely no way! Besides, did you see her arse? Looks like the north end of a south-bound cow. Itd be like throwing a banana down a hallway.

Presently the trio attracted the attention of a twenty-something guy who had stopped at the bar for a beer. We were within earshot of them and couldnt help but overhear their conversation.

Fabs, who was closer to them than me, said, Dude, those girls and the old babe are talkin with that young guy about doing a porno!

Youre sh!tin me, I said. I started to listen more closely.

Sure enough, they had a little screenplay written up and they were going over it with this guy asking if he would like to be in their video! He was definitely into it; like most young guys would be. They were saying, (and Ill be general here), you do this with her, and then I come over and you do this and that, and . . . 

No kidding. It was disgusting because these girls were so young and trashy, and it was like the mom was pimping them out. I guess maybe she handled the camera and lighting. In fact it was so disgusting that Im not going to talk about it anymore.

We wanted to get away, so we went up onto the sun-deck (smoke deck) to get a better view down the beach. We were up there for a couple of minutes when this huge, jacked-up guy walked up onto the deck and strutted over to the railing. This dude was so ripped it was freaky. He probably has muscle fibers in his excrement. He was shaved bald and was wearing a super-tight, white stretchy top pulled over his massively muscled torso. He had a kind-of Mike Tyson-ish look to him.

Now, Fabs is pretty well built, but standing beside this dude he looked like Pee Wee Herman.

Anyhow, this guy sucked in a deep breath, puffed out his bullsized chest, put his arms out like a preacher embracing his flock, and announced, My country!

So youre Jamaican? I asked.

Im Jamerican! he boasted.

Oh, I said.

He beamed at me and then pointed directly to the west. Forty miles! Cuba! he exclaimed loudly.

Fabs and I looked at each other and smiled.

No, Dude. Thats the Yucatan out that way. Cuba is over there, Fabs said, pointing to the north. And its more like a hundred and twenty miles.

The guy looked at Fabs, then nodded and looked to the north.

Yeah, Cuba, that way, he said.

----------


## Kahuna3

We hung out on the deck for a while and tried talking to the guy but he was so stunned he made Mr. Potato Head come off like Stephen Hawking. So we went down to the bar. As we passed the Lolitas, one of them called out to Fabs, Hey good-lookin - wanna hook-up with my Mama?

What can I say?

Later we saw that same girl headed up to her room (the porn studio) with the big Jamerican. And that, I thought, was a pretty strong argument for selective sterilization.

It was around mid-afternoon when we decided to head south for a bit in search of refreshments. We got as far as Tonys Hut before the heat of the sun drove us off the beach. There were two babes sitting at the bar. Fabs strode right up to the bar and parked himself beside the better looking of the two. He was rewarded with a big beautiful smile. She was about five foot, eight inches tall with an athletic build - right in Fabs power alley. She was wearing a string bikini, a beaten straw cowboy hat and a cool pair of shades.

Fabs ordered a couple of Red Stripes then turned his smile on the sexy one.

HI! she said. Howre yall doin. She spoke with a thick Alabama drawl and appeared to be a bit drunk.

Im doin fine, Baby, Fabs replied. He, too, sensed that shed been drinking and to him it was like a shark smelling blood in the water.

You look like you work out! she blurted.

Oh my God, give me a break.

Her friend was gawking at Fabs, kind of dumbstruck. Up to that point, neither one of these ladies had even remotely acknowledged my presence. I raised my palms to my chest and patted myself just to make sure that I hadnt spontaneously evaporated.

Her friend was average looking and a little chubby. In a year or two she would probably qualify as one of Fabs big-uns. No problem. I figured Id chat her up once she realized that Fabs wasnt about to give her the time of day.

I was standing beside Fabs, sipping my Stripe. Alabama reached over and ran her hand through Fabs hair. What do you do, are you a model?

Lord!

Fabs smiled and fed her one of his canned lines, Im a massage therapist, he said. Which is complete bullsh!te; he actually works for an insurance company and sits in front of a computer all day. Hes told me that if women think hes a massage therapist, it puts them at ease and it makes it okay for me to touch them, because Im a professional, you see. Ill tell you, Ive seen him use this line quite a few times and it works. 

As an athlete and a gym-rat, Fabs knows the names of most of the muscles and tendons in the body, especially those in the shoulders, chest, legs and thighs, which are his areas of particular interest. If the need arises, hes able to spiel these terms off as part of his massage therapist ruse.

Sure enough, soon Alabama was complaining that one of her shoulders was a bit stiff. Fabs put his hands on her and probed her shoulder and squeezed it until she winced. Then he got a concerned frown on his face and started using some of his well-practiced diagnostic phrases like, excess tension and could be a touch of bursitis where your subscapularis inserts into the lesser tubercle. She nodded and gazed at him raptly. And when he stopped probing her shoulder and began to massage it, Alabama started to moan.

I attempted to start up a conversation with her friend, but she was a bit cool towards me, so I went over and sat on a bench, sipped on my beer and contemplated the ocean. 

The next time I looked over at Fabs he had Alabama in a lip-lock; her arms were wrapped around his neck and her straw cowboy hat was pushed back on her head.

I walked up to Niahs, got a vegetable patty and walked back to my room.

I havent seen Fabs since Tonys this afternoon. There were Super Bowl parties all up and down the beach tonight, but many got rained out  it poured again for about two hours.

----------


## Brian

Has Fabs had a penicillin shot lately? Sounds like he might need one.

----------


## Jbizek

What a trip report! I second the need for a shot of some powerful antibiotics for your friend.

----------


## poolguywindsor

OK, so honestly I dont think I have ever read a whole book in my life (cant stay still that long) anyway if this is the kind of stuff in your books I might actually make it through one!

----------


## NikkiB

This is just too dam# funny!  Lovin' every minute of it.

----------


## justchuck

Loving your guy trip report, but I think we need another book!

----------


## Seveen

i think gals have more fun :-) lol

----------


## Kahuna3

> i think gals have more fun :-) lol


Would love to hear some details Seveen! Girl style  :Smile: 

Happy Birthday Bob!
Yah Mon  thanks for the music and the lyrics . . . your music will live on forever.

Everywhere today I hear Bobs music and people singing his songs.

What a rain we had last night  wow!  But today was hot and clear. About mid-morning I found Fabs walking the beach in front of CoCo. He was just returning from walking Alabama back to Tree House.  We decided to go into town to the Cambio (to re-stock) and pick up a few things at Value Master.  We flagged a taxi at the White Sands gate and climbed in. The driver asked us where we were from.

Canada, Fabs answered.

Ahh, me ere dat Canada is very cool, mon. You very lucky to live in such a very beautiful country. Me would really like to go up dere someday, the driver said.

You really want to go up there? Fabs asked.

Yah, mon.

Okay then, Ill make you a deal, for the next three months, until the end of April, Ill trade places with you. Ill take over your taxi and live in your house here in Negril, and you can go up and do my job, live in my house. Whadyah say?

The taxi driver looked at Fabs, but didnt say anything.

Im serious, Fabs continued, You want to go up to Canada, heres your chance. But Im warning you, its colder than you can even imagine right now. You ever heard of penile frost bite?

The driver winced, No, Mon, he replied, somewhat bewildered.

Doesnt matter, Fabs said. Okay, so the first thing you do when you get up to Canada is shovel out my driveway and sidewalk; there are shovels and ice-choppers in the garage. It will be the freezing cold and dark, but you'll have to dig out the driveway so you can get the car out of the garage so that you can go to work. Got It? And theres gonna be a lot of snow and ice. Have you ever seen snow?

No, mon. Fabs had his attention.

"Have you ever driven a car on glare ice?"

The driver shook his head.

Okay, well youll have to learn quick because you'll be up to your arse in deep snow and ice. And the wind will be blowing a gale  thats part of the deal too. Ill stay here, where its warm and sunny, and drive people around in this taxi with the windows down and listen to reggae all day. For you back in Canada, itll be dark when you get up for work, and youll have to dress up in heavy clothes and gloves and big boots, and go into my office, five days a week, and sit in front of a computer all day long and go to boring meetings and talk to stupid people on the phone. Got it? And itll be dark when you come home too. How does that sound?

I doan know, mon. The driver shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

And the guy youll be working for is a complete arse-hole, always ordering you to do pointless stuff. And when you finish work, it will be windy and freezing and you have to get into a cold car and warm it up before you can drive away. And youll have to shovel more snow when you get back to my place just so you can get the car into the garage. So, do we have a deal?

The driver smiled and shook his head, No, mon. Me tink me stay ere. Me doan like de cold.

Very, _very_ good decision, brother, Fabs said. The grass isnt always greener, you know what I mean?

We picked up some cash and nibbles for the room. 

The day that he arrived, Fabs met two young women on the shuttle from MoBay. He made arrangements to meet them at Ricks for sunset, so tonight were headed up there. We like to visit Ricks, but only once per trip, its just so kitschy and expensive, but there is always a good crowd and a convivial, party mood. We go early, around 4:00, so that we can get one of the tables in the shallow end of the pool. We like to sit there under the umbrella with our feet in the water and watch the evening develop  it offers an excellent vantage point.

Lay-tah!

----------


## irieworld

seems fabs is your alter ego. Not sure why you are ridiculing over-weight women. The guys I am close to do not do this (as per your statement) and my girl friends do not evaluate men as they walk the beach. Your narratives are great, but I don't like the way that you weigh skin.

----------


## booger

> seems fabs is your alter ego. Not sure why you are ridiculing over-weight women. The guys I am close to do not do this (as per your statement) and my girl friends do not evaluate men as they walk the beach. Your narratives are great, but I don't like the way that you weigh skin.


To each their own. It's his story and it is what it is. I personally don't like it when people nitpick people's travel reports. He did mention at the beginning that their would be guy talk, so you were forewarned.......

----------


## gerryg123

> Not sure why you are ridiculing over-weight women. Your narratives are great, but I don't like the way that you weigh skin.


I agree -- even though I have an Atlas body, ha ha ....

----------


## brasi

nuff said

----------


## Maryann

I think that's just the difference between (some) men and women.  Would rather hang out with a fun short fat bald guy with a hairy back than someone like Fabs!  Live and learn.

----------


## Kahuna3

> seems fabs is your alter ego. Not sure why you are ridiculing over-weight women. The guys I am close to do not do this (as per your statement) and my girl friends do not evaluate men as they walk the beach. Your narratives are great, but I don't like the way that you weigh skin.



No Fabs is not my alter-ego (I don#t have one) Fabs is Fabs - yes, like it or not, there are men like Fabs who walk this earth . . . lots of them.
As for 'ridiculing' over-weight women - I'm not. You made a big assumption there and took a big jump. I love all types of women, skinny, middlin' and over weight. I think the women in the poster that Brasi posted are totally bodacious! I'm writing 'unfiltered' - and I did warn you, I accept that you don't like what I write, and I am okay with it. (FYI - it was a bit difficult for me to post the part that I think upset you - I had to talk myself into it, but I'm not apologizing)  

To be clear, Fabs is not my alter ego, he is my friend -_ this_ is me. . . . 



As for blatant female objectification . . . . .how about this??



And this??

----------


## tfw73

> I agree -- even though I have an Atlas body, ha ha ....


Crap, it didn't quote it all, lol.

I agree with the disliking the judging aspect!

----------


## Bossman

K3 your trip report is a good read and it is obvious that you appreciate the people watching that Negril offers all of us. I am enjoying it a bunch in anticipation of our next reach.The fact that some people are not comfortable in their own skin says something about the individual not the people you describe. It's almost as if we are reading bits and pieces of your next book. Keep it up and don't hold back. We'll probably see you walkin' the beach next week. Walk good!

*Soon come can't come soon enough!*

----------


## booger

> K3 your trip report is a good read and it is obvious that you appreciate the people watching that Negril offers all of us. I am enjoying it a bunch in anticipation of our next reach.The fact that some people are not comfortable in their own skin says something about the individual not the people you describe. It's almost as if we are reading bits and pieces of your next book. Keep it up and don't hold back. We'll probably see you walkin' the beach next week. Walk good!
> 
> *Soon come can't come soon enough!*


I was having the same thought. A lot of assumptions going on. 

Don't judge a book by it's cover.....

Kahuna,
It would be nice if it was out before my mid April reach. Hint Hint....

----------


## tfw73

I decided I didn't want to get involved in this.  LOL

----------


## Craig123

> I decided I didn't want to get involved in this.  LOL


Good call tfw73......I could see this thread going sideways....way sideways.  :Smile:

----------


## tfw73

> Good call tfw73......I could see this thread going sideways....way sideways.


And not the GOOD sideways, hahaha!

----------


## poolguywindsor

The unfiltered part is why its a good read, and any one that does not believe guys think and talk like that come on really!

----------


## rastalady

K3, I just want to thank you for letting us read about your adventures. My girlfriend is the female version of Fabs and I'll have to tell you some stories about her sometime. My husband and I have been to Jamaice eight times and I don't get the same feeling anywhere else. While we're there, something always happens that there are very few people in my day to day life, that I could tell the story unfiltered and they wouldn't look at me and wonder why I go back. It is those unfiltered times, that make me feel alive and keep me going back. I just stumbled across this thread and I had to sign up because I wanted to reply and thank you. My husband and I are headed to Negril in April and it seems about 2 months before our trips, I usually start trolling the internet like a sponge, looking for anything about Negril. I can not wait to get there and your story takes me there mentally. I look forward to reading about more of your adventures. 
Thanks

----------


## SweetSue

[QUOTE=Kahuna3;34071][SIZE=3][FONT=Arial]We hung out on the deck for a while and tried talking to the guy but he was so stunned he made Mr. Potato Head come off like Stephen Hawking. So we went down to the bar. As we passed the Lolitas, one of them called out to Fabs, “Hey good-lookin’ - wanna hook-up with my Mama?”

What can I say?

Later we saw that same girl headed up to her room (the porn studio) with the big Jamerican. And that, I thought, was a pretty strong argument for selective sterilization....."

*I enjoy the trip report, just as it is.  Guy Talk don't surprise me* - Long before I entered healthcare, I used to drive a cab and I have pretty much seen & heard it all... What does piss me off is how some folks act when they get to Jamaica and do stuff that gives all of us single, plump and over 40 babes a bad name.  I come to Jamaica to relax, de-stress and have a good time.  That does not mean I am looking to "rent a dread" or any other such nonsense.  I like people, I like to enjoy life... I don't enjoy having to overcome negative stereotypes but that's OK - I don't suffer fools and know how to move on.  In the end, it's all good.

Peace.

----------


## Tex

Look forward to the report! My wife & I are newbies to Negril & looking forward to our trip the last week of April. We always go to St. Thomas or Cabo San Lucas & we heard the beach in Negril is amazing! I've also seen something abour Braodie Bash! What's Broadie Bash? We look forward to what you post in the near future.

----------


## Seveen

Seveen read to here!

Kahuna don't let no body turn you around . . . keep trip reporting - i'm enjoying it - my "girls" and i just say "ALERT" when there is something "interesting" walking on the beach - male or female - we are equal opportunity gawkers :-)

----------


## marley9808

Hi Tex and also Hi Rastalady
Go add your names and travel dates to the April Roll Call!
That is the list of all the other boardies who will be in Negril in April (myself and husband included-hope to meet you guys)

Tex- The boardie bash is a get together that happens once a year (the last Friday in April) It is held at the Yellow Bird bar on the 7 mile beach in Negril.
All the boardies who are in town gather at the bar and have a bash. Rob, the moderator of this great website, even holds a webcast there (check realnegril.com to see the list and schedule of all the webcasts so you can tune in and catch one)
It always looks like a fun time and I am excited to finally be attending one for the first time this year! Woo Hoo

See you there!
Shauna (Marley9808)

----------


## Craig123

> I've also seen something abour Braodie Bash! What's Broadie Bash? We look forward to what you post in the near future.


Not sure what language your useing.  :Smile:  It's a boardie bash. Bashment is the Jamaican term for a party with loud music & dancing. I think an annual "boardie bashment" is scheduled for April. Peoplw from the message board participate. Not sure of the exact date or place.

----------


## Sophie2012

People were warned from the start that your trip report would not be censored.  I am enjoying every second of it.  I love that people like you have the balls to write everything and not change things to suit others needs.  Kudos! And now I think I'll have to start reading your books  :Smile:

----------


## marley9808

I too am enjoying this report, but as a fan of your books I knew I would.
I think your openess and honesty about the events and even words used describing the "goings on" is exactly what has made me laugh out loud the most.
Fabs is being portrayed exactly as you originally described him to be, and you make no excuses for him as you also originally said. (Why do you think he wouldn't post his picture) lol
Kahuna is letting everyone in on this story (the men of course already know) and the woman are no fool either to how mean or completely direct men can be (in fact, in most situations, I think we can be worse) lol but for the most part this is the stuff women don't get to hear, and I am enjoying it.
Sure Fabs may not be the most P.C. person around, but he is also nowhere near the only one of his kind, and though I don't agree with his outlook or the way he judges women, etc etc I also know that people of like minds usually find each other.
So in most (of course not all) cases, shallow people are attracted to other shallow people, and people do pretty much what they want to do whether in Negril or anywhere else. So Fabs will be drawn to slender women looking for a good time, and those same type women will be drawn to him.....so no one is really being hurt here, are they?

This is the stuff that makes good entertainment!
Thanks for taking us along K3!

----------


## brasi

_"So in most (of course not all) cases, shallow people are attracted to other shallow people..."_

Thank god for that. I'd be bored to death talking to that guy. And God forbid if he went near my sisters.

I'm fat. Let's party.

----------


## marley9808

That's what I am saying brasi

If Fabs wasn't interested in me, I would consider myself lucky!

----------


## rastalady

Marley9808,
I am new to the message boards. I just signed up today. I just had to thank K3 for the story. 
Excuse me for being a rookie, but how do I find the April Roll Call?

----------


## bbcamp2

Type in "april roll call" in the white box next to the hourglass button.  Then click the hourglass button.


Or click here.

----------


## Jbizek

I just wanna say, let's get back to the regularly scheduled trip report!  :Big Grin:

----------


## marley9808

Yep, bbcamp2 is right on

Also you can click on the Negril Message Board in Quick Navigation and just look at all the threads, one of which is the April Roll Call
But there are tons of others and you can read all kinds of stories, questions, answers, etc. This message board is a wealth of information, you will be hooked in no time!
Welcome aboard!

----------


## Lax1724

Isn't Fabs short for fabricated?

----------


## belfar3

I am really enjoying this report and Brassi, your funny.  haha

----------


## Kahuna3

> Attachment 9570
> 
> nuff said


Like I said, the girls in the poster are bodacious, but doesnt the caption 'bones are for dogs' denigrate skinny women? Tell me  whats wrong with skinny women?   :Smile: 




Oh Boy!  

I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. 
               (G. K. Chesterton 1874  1936)
I dont know where you get the impression that Fabs is shallow. Quite the opposite. Hes actually just a regular hard working guy who happens to eat right and look after his body  why denigrate him for that? So he has a preference for athletic women  does that make him shallow?  Ive noticed that birds of a feather stick together ie; athletic people seem to couple with other athletic people. Does that make all of them shallow? As for Fabs comments on women  nothing new there, believe me. Maybe some people are envious because Fabs gets a lot of action, but heres a flash  women are attracted to athletic men. Next time youre on the beach look around at the athletic Jamaican dudes  they seem to be doing well.

Judge not, brethren.

In two days Fabs will be leaving and my wife will be arriving. After that the guy part of this report will be over and thats the last youll hear of Fabs. Im not sure if Ill keep posting after that  only because I probably wont have a lot of cOmPlEtLeLy DifFeReNt things to report on, and that was the thrust of this whole thread. I dont want to be spooning out pabulum under the cOmPlEtLeLy DifFeReNt banner. Besides, I expect that by Thursday you will have had quite enough of me.

So, back to the trip report . . . Fabs and I went up to Ricks yesterday afternoon and we secured our in-pool table. Fabs went to the bar to get a bucket of Coronas. 

While he was gone, two good looking women arrived at the pool and sat on the deck with their feet dangling in the water. I was wondering if they were the two that Fabs had arranged to meet. These girls were very good looking, and I mean sizzlin  and one of them was a redhead. I kept an eye on them, trying hard not to leer. After a minute or so the redhead put her arm around the other, nuzzled her ear and then gave her a lingering kiss on the cheek. 

Oh!  so they were les-B-friends of the lipstick variety - no lumberjack shirts hanging in their closets. Inexplicably, after the kiss, they suddenly seemed to be even more attractive  exquisitely so. Probably the forbidden fruit affect.

Shortly after the kiss Fabs arrived with the Coronas. He immediately noticed the two women.

Hey, check out the hotties! he said.

Yeah, very hot, I replied. I didnt tell him that they played on Ellens team.

I like the one with the curly hair, he said.

Yep, shes mighty purdy.

Im gonna go for a swim, Fabs announced, smiling lecherously. He stood up and did his best, slow  look-at-my-physique-ladies removal of his tank top, then waded into the deeper part of the pool. He duck-dived and surfaced about five feet from the two women. He flipped his long hair back then ran his fingers through it, making sure to flex his biceps and deltoids as he did so. How could any woman resist?

The two girls paid him no attention.
Fabs played around in the pool a bit more, fishing for their attention and a smile. Nothing - they werent the least bit interested in his antics. They were engrossed in an animated conversation between themselves.

Fabs went to the opposite side of the pool then hoisted himself up out of the water, displaying his triceps and his muscular, tanned back. He then stood with his back to them, facing the sea, and flexed his glutes. Then he came back to the table where I was sitting.

Id quite enjoyed watching his efforts, knowing that for once he would be ignored.

Howd it go? I asked him.

Nothing, Dude, I dont get it, he replied, perplexed. Huh, I said.

----------


## Kahuna3

The crowd gradually grew and around 5:00 two very pretty and very young ladies walked over to us and said hi. These were the girls that Fabs had met on the shuttle. Becky (the redhead  :Smile:  ) and Jennifer, a blonde, joined us at our table. We ordered more drinks. The crowd thickened - Ricks was enveloped in a party atmosphere. We swam in the pool and slowly got plastered. At one point there were four Patrons with lime slices lined up on the pool deck. Then another round appeared. Like a fool I forgot my vow to stop drinking Tequila shots and pounded them back.

As the afternoon wore on a flotilla of sunset cruise boats arrived below the cliffs. Their passengers jumped into the water, swam over to the cliff-side ladders and climbed up to join the party  the place was packed. People were lined up at the diving platform to jump into the sea. The Ricks cliff divers passed their red collection buckets and jumped from ridiculously high perches, much to the amazement and delight of the assembled masses. The band played on and the sun slowly sank in a cloudy western sky.

We kept buying drinks for Becky and Jennifer. It was a great time; everybody was laughing, splashing, and smiling.

At one point a couple of guys tried to elbow into our quartet. They were attracted by our young, bikini clad friends who were dancing arm-in-arm on the pool deck in the orange rays of the setting sun. The girls did their best to ignore the guys, but one dude hopped up onto the deck and positioned himself between Becky and Jennifer. He put his arms around their shoulders, started to dance between them and then motioned for his buddy to take his picture. 

Fabs, who was in the pool, stealthily moved up behind the guy. His buddy, standing with the camera on the promenade below him, counted down, Three, two . . . and as he said One! Fabs grabbed the guys shorts and yanked them down to his ankles. I started to laugh so hard I fell off my chair into the water. The girls didnt realize what had happened until the dude reached down to pull up his shorts, then they quickly moved away from him. Quite a few of Ricks patrons had witnessed the panting and were pointing and laughing at the guy. It was a great moment.

I would love to have seen that photo, the orange light of the setting sun, the big smile, the dudes wedding tackle suddenly exposed and hanging out there for all to see. Priceless.

Eventually the sun set, but we were so blitzed by then we hardly noticed it. Suddenly, Becky and Jennifer were nowhere to be seen. Yeah, they stiffed us for the drinks, but it was worth it. Wed had a blast.

Fabs and I made our way out to the gate along with the departing throng and managed to snag a taxi. I rode shotgun and Fabs had the back seat to himself. 

When we got out of the car at White Sands, I realized that I was barefoot; Id left my sandals up at Ricks. Fabs was missing his tank top and his designer sunglasses.

We met a little while later and walked up the road to Best in The West for chicken. I ordered a quarter, Fabs his usual half with extra bread - this in spite of the recent toilet-plugging incident. We brought the foil packs back to the beach and ate at a table under the sun deck. We had a few beers to wash the chicken down and keep our Tequila-induced buzz going. Then Fabs sparked up a fatty and we sat there for the next hour or two and just zoned-out.

It got to be late. I was thinking about going up to my room when a couple of hookers came up to us. 

I find many of the hookers on the beach (and at the concerts) to be pretty good looking girls  and thats just a comment, no flesh judgment or criticism implied.

But these two girls were not even remotely attractive (sorry, but thats just the way it was). They gave us the usual spiel, Hey, baby  yada, yada, yada.

We were pretty toasted and it took Fabs a while to focus on one the girls. He did an exaggerated double-take and blurted, Dude! You look like a dude!

Well, she got peed-off right quick like  as if maybe it wasnt the first time that shed heard such a comment. She walked up to Fabs, raised her foot up onto the table in front of him and yanked up her skirt.

Do I look like a dude!? she demanded.

Turned out she was flying commando  and she definitely was not a dude.

----------


## marley9808

Sorry, I was using this definition which is why the term shallow was what I used to describe Fabs

shallow :
Judging a person based strictly on looks, not factoring in their personality whatsoever. 

I guess it was a judgement to refer to him as shallow, but it wasn't a judgement any harsher than his judgements based on appearance IMO

Anyways, on with the story of which I had no complaints, in fact I was defending...

----------


## Biggs of the week

Lovin every minute of it.

----------


## rastalady

K3,
I am enjoying your thread so much and since I can't wait for even the next paragraph, I am purchasing your books on Amazon.
I can't wait.
Thanks

----------


## shooter1

I just gotta say that there have been some great reports on Negril.com, thanks to Rob and Lisa by the way,and they seem to get better and funnier as I read along.This is another great one.Clarity and Hubby,Gerry,Brasi,Smith,Marko,TicToc,Rumpoleforski  n(sp)?Sweetness and so many others.Keep it going Kahuna. I'm cracking up.

----------


## T&A

> I just gotta say that there have been some great reports on Negril.com, thanks to Rob and Lisa by the way,and they seem to get better and funnier as I read along.This is another great one.Clarity and Hubby,Gerry,Brasi,Smith,Marko,TicToc,Rumpoleforski  n(sp)?Sweetness and so many others.Keep it going Kahuna. I'm cracking up.


So very true and lets not forget Hettie & Chads report... Lets keep this one going :Smile:

----------


## justchuck

Your story of the trip to Ricks was hilarious!

----------


## ackee

Mi ah DWL !!  keep it coming....I wisg Fabs would extend a few days

----------


## jeannieb

I sure hope you don't stop posting when your wife comes to Jamaica. Please keep this going.  :Smile:  I'm enjoying it. Guy talk and all.

----------


## WiscoJudy

[QUOTE=marley9808;34399]Hi Tex and also Hi Rastalady
Tex- The boardie bash is a get together that happens once a year (the last Friday in April) It is held at the Yellow Bird bar on the 7 mile beach in Negril.

Shauna - Just an FYI.  The boardie bash was held at Yellow Bird bar last year, but that's not necessarily where it will be this year.  Rob will inform everyone of the location before the event.

----------


## marley9808

Ahh good point, thanks WiscoJudy!

Update: Boardie bash is the last Friday of April, location TBA

----------


## fjblair

This is an entertaining read but I find much of it hard to believe and think there must be a good bit of fiction interspersed.

----------


## poolguywindsor

And some people think you cant have fun at Rick,s!

----------


## Kahuna3

> . . . . . 
> 
> Anyways, on with the story of which I had no complaints, in fact I was defending...



No Problem marley9808 . . . on with the report

 *!!!  Pabulum Alert  !!!*

This morning I awoke with a hangover. I thought a beach walk might clear my head so I set out. I looked up at Fabs balcony as I passed, the door was closed  no surprise there.

Shortly after I started along the beach I picked up a companion, a young male beach dog. He trotted happily beside me, occasionally jumping up to put his paws on my thighs as I walked. He seemed inordinately happy for one who was so emaciated and mange infested.

It was a beauty of a day  a strong breeze blowing ashore  a blessed welcome relief from yesterday which was oppressively humid.

I walked and walked and as I did I felt my hangover gradually subsiding. Soon I was north of the little path the goes through the trees just beyond Long Bay Beach Park. On the little stretch of uninhabited beach that lies there, I encountered a beautiful, tall, slender grey egret with a gorgeous mantle of sleek gray feathers. He was stealthily stalking the shallows on his stilt legs, hunting for his breakfast. I stopped, sat on a nearby uprooted tree trunk and watched him for a while.

On my way back, as I traversed the path through the trees, I heard the sound of squealing car tires. I listened for the crash-thump-tinkle sound of an impact, but heard none.

There was a pause of about thirty seconds and then the squealing sound repeated. Curious, I moved into a position such that I could observe what was going on. 

A police car was stopped by the side of the road and there were a few cars parked behind it. As I watched I saw a cop get behind the wheel of one of the stopped cars and gunned it; I mean he floored the gas pedal. The car roared as it accelerated. Just as it was getting abeam of where I was standing, the cop driving the car let off the gas and stood on the brakes  the car screeched to a noisy stop. The cop turned around and drove back to where hed started. There he got out of the car, relinquishing it, apparently, to the owner. The process then repeated itself with the next car.

I soon came to understand that this was a roadside brake check, Jamaican style. Now, imagine if you were driving down the Interstate and a Trooper waved you over, got behind the wheel of your car, floored the gas, accelerated up to 60MPH and then hammered on the brakes! How would you feel?
I walked back to the hotel and sat down on a lounge where I rested for a few minutes. A woman on a lounge a few yards from me got up and headed for the sea. Obviously, I figured she was going for a swim. She waded slowly out to the point where her butt was half-immersed in the water. There she paused for a minute, and then she turned around and walked back out and relined on her lounge.
Hmmmmm . . . . 

If you are wondering what Fabs and I did last night  well, it was an interesting evening, to say the least. I just have to figure out how to write it so that it doesnt get completely redacted.

Im working on it.

----------


## Biggs of the week

Uncensored is the best! Carry-on lol.

----------


## Iriesistah

I agree wholeheartedly ...please uncensored!!! We are all adults here...right??? (grin)

----------


## Lax1724

> This is an entertaining read but I find much of it hard to believe and think there must be a good bit of fiction interspersed.


FABricated, I tell ya.

----------


## Iriesistah

What is so hard to believe about this report. It sounds totally within the realms of normal to me. Do you people live under a rock???

----------


## Rosco111

Not Yellowbird??

----------


## Rosco111

> Ahh good point, thanks WiscoJudy!
> 
> Update: Boardie bash is the last Friday of April, location TBA


Sorry, I realized that my comment would make no sense where it is in the thread.  I meant to reply to this comment where Marley indicates that the location of the Boardie Bash on the last Friday of April is "TBA".  I thought it was taking place @ Yellowbird.  Is it going to change??

----------


## marley9808

Rosco, I am not sure. I thought Yellowbird too but Wiscojudy told me it is not always at Yellowbird and that Rob will announce the location.
This will be my first boardie bash so I am not the expert on the location, though I do know the date, and I will be in Negril so as long as it is in Negril.....I am there!

----------


## papamark

Thanks for the belly laugh LOL

----------


## rastalady

If anyone has anything negative to say, they don't have to read! I love uncensored.

----------


## Ktans

Amen, rastalady!  I wish that people would chill out.....I'm so entertained by this report....it's all good, Mon!  Irie......

----------


## brasi

Kahuna,

Love your report, and I hope you aren't taking my posts as militantly as they may seem. LOL. You make a good point with the bodacious poster. Zing!

Just giving you some sh$&*.

I might not hang with Fabs...I'm sure he's a cool guy...but he is fun to read about.

Write on.  :Stick Out Tongue: 

Brasi
President (and Founder)
Chubby United

----------


## Lady Jane

OMG, I just read every page of this report and I LOVE. LOVE, LOVE it. Can't wait for more. 
P.S. I think I met you last year, when I was staying at Nirvana.  :Smile:

----------


## Kahuna3

> Kahuna,
> 
> Love your report, and I hope you aren't taking my posts as militantly as they may seem. LOL. You make a good point with the bodacious poster. Zing!
> 
> Just giving you some sh$&*.
> 
> I might not hang with Fabs...I'm sure he's a cool guy...but he is fun to read about.
> 
> Write on. 
> ...


No problem Bruddah Brasi! I actually don't take any of this seriously, but sometimes the tone of what I write is a bit off - so it comes across different from how I'm actually feeling.
 Like they say IT'S ALL GOOD, MON!




This morning Fabs and I went for a farewell walk. We stopped at Sun Beach. Fabs had a Stripe, I had a ginger beer. We talked for a while, laughing about the shenanigans that wed gotten into. When Fabs time was getting short we set out for White Sands so he could catch his ride to MoBay. When we got to the vacant lot next to the sun deck, Fabs pointed and said, See that little corrugated shack right there?

I looked, Yah, I said.

Just behind it, under that coconut tree, theres a half sheet of plywood.

Okay . . .

Well, right there on that sheet of plywood, Ive had sex there with three different women this week.

I stopped and looked at the shack, then turned to Fabs. You know, that can be very dangerous, I said, "you need to be careful."

He smiled and shook his head. Nah, don't worry, I wear protection and Ive had all my shots.

Not that, I mean doing it under a coconut tree, if you banged your head up against the tree and shook it too much, a coconut could fall and crack your skull wide open.

Fabs thought about this for a moment, then smiled and said, Itd be a good way to go though, wouldnt it?

The interesting thing about this exchange is that Fabs wasnt boasting; it was just a passing comment. Fabs doesnt boast, about anything, and he has nothing to prove to me. It was simply an aside, akin to him saying, Hey! Look at that stingray in the water there.

I just saw Fabs off. He climbed on the bus, all dejected and morose. I guess I dont have to elaborate  you all know how hard it can be to leave Negril.

But he had a good reach and hell be back. And he has a bank of fresh Negril memories to keep him going until he returns.

As for me, well Im actually looking forward to slowing down a bit. Ive been drinking way too much and staying up too late. And Im really looking forward to seeing my wife too.
My wife, her name is Beate ( Bay  Ah  Tah - thats German), arrives later this afternoon. (I just call her Bea.)

But I havent told you about our Tuesday night yet. Im almost finished that part, I want to get it right. 
Ill be posting it this afternoon.

----------


## Sunny

Can't wait....very fun read!!

----------


## brasi

_I just saw Fabs off. He climbed on the bus, all dejected and morose. I guess I dont have to elaborate  you all know how hard it can be to leave Negril._

I am glad they can't bottle this feeling...because I'd never GO to Negril knowing how I was gonna feel after. But it goes away when planning new trips.

<<<< WIMP

I shed tears almost every time.

----------


## Iriesistah

So funny Brasi...I cry EVERY SINGLE TIME!!! It never fails...no matter how much I try to tell myself not to get upset that I will be back again.

----------


## Jim-Donna

OMG you have me rolling on the floor here !! YIKES!!! :EEK!:

----------


## Jim-Donna

dangerous', is not the word I would use! LOL Your the BOMB!!~~

----------


## Seveen

ha!  way to go fabs - lol

----------


## brasi

BTW: can someone spray down that sheet of plywood? Or...at least flip it over? 

Or...drag it out into the sun so the spores...don't...well...you know..._MULTIPLY_  :Big Grin: 

Wear surgical gloves, at all costs.

Just some advice from your friendly neighborhood Brasi.

----------


## Jim-Donna

So happy you and your GROOVE found each other ! LOL But you better keep Tanisha at arms length!!

----------


## marley9808

> So funny Brasi...I cry EVERY SINGLE TIME!!! It never fails...no matter how much I try to tell myself not to get upset that I will be back again.



Me too

----------


## Jim-Donna

:Stick Out Tongue:  :EEK!:  :Embarrassment:

----------


## Jim-Donna

OMG I can see it!!! LOL You really are a super writer. TY

----------


## Patty Sather

> BTW: can someone spray down that sheet of plywood? Or...at least flip it over? 
> 
> Or...drag it out into the sun so the spores...don't...well...you know..._MULTIPLY_ 
> 
> Wear surgical gloves, at all costs.
> 
> Just some advice from your friendly neighborhood Brasi.


Good job Brasi! you have had nurses training! Im so proud you are thinking of everyones safety  :Big Grin: 
I just read this whole report now, It is hilarious ...I need to quit my job and just read these reports 
All the suspects are here..... INSANLY funny!!!!

----------


## Jim-Donna

Clap, Clap, Clap....

----------


## Lax1724

Can we at least get a picture of the piece of plywood?

----------


## ackee

LOL@ LAX response

----------


## Kahuna3

> Can we at least get a picture of the piece of plywood?


That's sick, but I'll see what I can do - I didn't actually go over and look at it.

So here goes that last little bit of my ‘guy’ trip report.

Tuesday night Fabs and I walked down to the concert at Alfred’s. As usual, the area was all fenced off with blue tarpaulin. They wanted $700J for each of us to get in – which we thought was a bit steep. We were hanging around outside, peeking through the rips in the fence fabric and deciding if we wanted to go in or not, when this guy walks up to us and says, “Me can get you bote in for four hun’ert.”

I was immediately a little leery, but Fabs was already following the guy, so I trailed after them.

He walked us around to the side, where the fence butted up against a structure there. He put out his hand and said, “Four hun’ert.”

“Wait,” I said, “where do we get in?”

“Right dere,” he said, pointing to where he had dug in the sand under the fence. Fabs was standing there looking down at the little trench. It wasn’t very wide or deep – I doubted that a dog could crawl through it.

“That’s a good one, bro,” Fabs said, “but we’re gonna pass, thanks anyhow.”

We went around to the front and paid the $700J to get in. There weren’t many people inside, but there were several hookers. The entertainment was mediocre. We sat down and had a few drinks, fending off the girls as best we could.

We stayed for quite a while, hoping things would pick up, but they never did, probably because most everybody was at the Beanie Man concert at The Jungle. So we left and went for more beers, stopping at Sunnyside, The Boat Bar and later, at Tony’s.

We’d had quite a bit to drink and decided we needed to get some food, so we walked down the beach looking for something to eat. On the way, Fabs abruptly stopped walking and stood with his feet in the surf, staring up at the moon – it was full, or near full, on Tuesday night. The moonlight was phenomenally bright, washing the entire beachscape with beautiful, mellow, silver light. 

Fabs was just standing there, looking up at the moon with his mouth kind of hanging half-open. He was wavering a little from side to side. He was transfixed, like a werewolf undergoing a transformation. Suddenly, he toppled forward, doing a full face plant in the water. He immediately stood up and shook it off, and we continued on our way. It was weird – I guess he passed out or fell asleep. Too much weed, probably. However, the unintended dip seemed to wake him up a bit.

We wandered out to the road and found a jerk barrel. Then we went back to the beach and headed to the hotel. We were carrying our chicken with the intention of eating it back there up on the sundeck. Well, it smelled so good that we started to pick at it as we walked. When we got to the old 23/7 establishment (A Safe Haven for Sinners!), which stood derelict and deserted, we turned in and sat on a couple of stumps that used to support the benches at the old bar. There we really dug into our chicken. 

It wasn’t long before a couple of young hookers walked by on the beach and noticed us sitting up there. They came over and said hi. We gave them some of our chicken. They started right in on their pitch. We said we weren’t interested - we really weren’t, and we never are; it’s just not our thing. We’ll look at the girls and comment on them  :Smile: , but it’s really just from an esoteric viewpoint. 

So one of these girls, a real looker, goes over to Fabs and starts running her hands all over his thighs as he’s sitting there chowing down on his chicken. Fabs shouted, “Hey!” He pushed her away and sat up a little straighter. But she’d gotten his attention. He looked her up and down and said, “So, why don’t you show me what you got.” I think he meant it as kind of a dare.

She had a really nice, tight, athletic type body – very hot and aesthetically pleasing – like a fine bronze sculpture of the female form.

Fabs said something like, “Whuu! Nice!”

Meanwhile the other one was standing beside me and running her hands all over me and cooing and saying “Baby, baby,” and like that. I kept telling her that she was very pretty but I wasn’t interested. I gave her another piece of chicken to keep her hands busy.

So, the good looking one was standing there in front of Fabs, buck naked. I started to laugh, and so did the girl who was beside me. Fabs had a big sh!te-eatin’ grin on his face; he continued to munch on his chicken.

It must have suddenly occurred to Fabs that the girl would expect to be paid for the service that she was rendering. He raised both of his arms in the air and yelled out, “Hey, I’m not payin’!  I’m not payin’!” He had a big piece of jerk chicken in his hand and sauce on his face and  he was looking down at this girl, who was laughing but at the same time still working away at him.

So eventually, Fabs felt that things were getting ‘out-of-hand’ so he put his chicken down and pried the young lady off of him. He then jumped down from the stump.

At that point I was off my stump and bent over laughing. He looked at me and said, “I’m not payin’,” as if I had anything to do with it. Then he hustled off down the beach. I followed him, and the girls followed us.

The girls stayed with us until Fabs finally convinced the one that he really wasn’t payin’.

Eventually the girls left us and disappeared into the night.

So, that’s it. Fabs is gone and my ‘Guy’ week has come to a close. I’ve had fun writing about it. 

Soon, Bea will be here and I can chill a little.

Oh! I think I mentioned that there is a long line-up of family, friends and acquaintances who will be coming/going over the next three weeks. One of them is a fellow we call J.T. I met J.T. at the old For Real bar a few years back. J.T. is a real character – not a womanizer like Fabs, but a kind of rolling comedy show.

J.T. gets here on Sunday. It should be interesting.

----------


## Ktans

Too funny..... I searched for 23/7 on the message board this am wondering what had become of it..... Now I know!

Excellent read.......I'll be downloading your 2 books to the Kindle.  Thanks for the entertainment!

----------


## brasi

After washing it off...and sterilizing it...cut and sell little pieces of that 1/2 sheet of plywood off as necklaces.

Talismans, if you will. For guys like me that have LESS luck (skill?)...maybe Fabs would even sign them. They could be carved out into the shape of a "JOHNSON." Taking a euphemism from Booger, the necklaces could be called "Hanging Brains."

Am I on to something here?

"Hey I got laid three times last week...with three separate chicks! This Hanging Brain really works!"

GerryG123 could have his own infomercial!

I mean, I was there 12 days in January. But I only got one "R.B.I." and a couple base hits...and a triple. With the same girl. How boring. JK LOL

Fabs sounds like one of the best closers ever. That plywood is like an ass magnet.

----------


## booger

> After washing it off...and sterilizing it...cut and sell little pieces of that 1/2 sheet of plywood off as necklaces.
> 
> Talismans, if you will. For guys like me that have LESS luck...maybe Fabs would even sign them. They could be carved out into the shape of a "JOHNSON." Taking eupemism from Booger, the necklaces could be called "Hanging Brains."
> 
> Am I on to something here?
> 
> "Hey I got laid three times last week...with three separate chicks! This Hanging Brain really works!"
> 
> GerryG123 could have his own infomercial!
> ...


 Lol! Make sure I get my royalties.

----------


## justchuck

You've related some great adventures!  I hope there will be more . . .

----------


## irie luv

Great report!!!

----------


## jeannieb

Kahuna great reads! PRETTY PLEASE, keep it up. 
Brasi, you crack me up!

----------


## Lady Jane

LOL Brassi...

I CANNOT wait to meet J.T. :Smile:

----------


## rastalady

Thank you so much K3. I had my husband read it and I haven't heard him laugh like that in a while.
Now he has his sister reading it.....and so on .....
Can't wait for next instalment :Embarrassment:

----------


## Jenn

Love love love this report! Thank you for sharing, and hopefully you will continue your story!  :Smile:   I haven't read your books yet, but guess what I'm getting ready to download? Looking forward to the reading!

----------


## south jersey gyal

I just bought your book walk good.. I can't wait to start reading it next week when I am in negril..

----------


## rastalady

Some people may think your fabricating, but if your away from your resort, "at night", you
most definately will see some things you have never seen before. Like someone said,
things can be very sexual after dark in some places.  :EEK!:

----------


## a214trip

Keep up the good work, great report.

----------


## Biggs of the week

Now thats what I call Jerk chicken. Thanks for the good read,carry on!

----------


## poolguywindsor

Have been watching for you in my wanderings around, but no sign of Kahuna?

----------


## Kahuna3

> Have been watching for you in my wanderings around, but no sign of Kahuna?


Hey PGW - I'm hanging at White Sands now for the most part, now that Bea is here.
Going to Web Cast @ Sea Splash this afternoon and Swordfish for dinner tonite.

See you around . . .

Went for my 'buoy-line' swim this morning. OMG the sea was so flat and calm and not a breath of wind. The water 
was like swimming in a pool.
Looking at the horizon, I couldn't tell where the sea ended and the sky started.
There are many small schools of fish moving up and down the shoreline today, they look like shadows as they move.


Okay - I'm pretty well done reporting in this thread.
If interesting things come up I'll post under a new heading.
Thanks for the feedback and thanks to all who decided to take a flyer on reading my work.

See you on the beach someday . . .
walk good. . . 
Peace Out!
K3

----------


## shooter1

Excellent,Thanks Kahuna

----------


## Patty Sather

Loved the report...You continue to have a amazing time...Welcome to jamaica Bea  :Cool:

----------


## marley9808

Awesome!

----------


## Sophie2012

Thanmks for giving me something entertaining to read while I'm at work  :EEK!:  I enjoyed every minute....

----------


## MoFromMonroe

It was a great read. Thanks for the onsite report.

----------


## Lax1724

One of the best novels I've read in a while!  Thanks for the entertainment.

----------


## Jbizek

Thanks for the trip report, have a great time with your wife!

----------


## NikkiB

Dang, I'm gonna miss the "guy" part of the trip report.... Enjoy the rest of your stay!

----------


## jay

Hi I'm a newbie (not to Ja, just here on the board) 
Been lurking for awhile reading all the trip reports I could find.
They have all been amazing and I look forward to being regularly entertained with future reports.

"Sunset Negril" was a great read, I  felt as if I was there sharing your trip.
 Your wedding sounded perfect, and Hedo enlightening  :Smile: 
Thanks for sharing
 J
[/

----------


## Bossman

K3, many thanks for the time you take to let us be a part of your experiences in Negril. You have a great writing style and my wife and I enjoy it very much. We arrive tomorrow and can't wait to leave our footprints on the beach, so until then.............walk good!

*Soon come can't come soon enough!*

----------


## poolguywindsor

Well I for one am glad its over! I have been wandering around Negril waiting for all these incredible thing to happen to me! I am so disapointed, I cannot find any of these sensational things goin on! lmao!

----------


## Kenneth D. Reimer

Hey Kuhuna (of course, I just call you Big Brother)

I've been enjoying these posts, and as a "newbee" it's good to get an idea as to what I'm getting myself into.  Jamaica is the place where the travel agents always warn you against wandering outside your resort, and I gotta think this is bull**** (not meaning to offend any travel agents out there).  At least I think this is so in Negril.  My wife and I intentionally booked a place that is NOT all-inclusive.  

I'm been travelling down to the Caribbean for some 13 years, but I've never been to Jamaica.  Anguilla, Dominican Republic, Antigua, Cuba, Mexico, and Saint Martin (which I love the best), but never Jamaica.  To be honest, one of my main reasons for going is just to hang out with my big brother, but the more I read, the more I want to experience the island.  

One more week until the beach!  Got to feel the sand between my toes!

KDR

----------


## jan24

2 Reimer brothers on the beach!!!   Do we need to beware??!  Lol

----------


## rastagal

Between last night and today I read the whole report.  I was laughing so hard I was crying...then a friend of mine called and asked why I was laughing, so I tried reading back to her the bathroom episode, and it took me 5 tries to finally spit the story out because I was laughing so frickin hard! 

And thanks for the "throwing a banana down a hallway" analogy. I'm pretty sure I will never get that picture out of my head...but it makes me laugh every time I think about it.

This was a fun read, and thanks for keeping it real.

----------

