Brasi Trip Report: January 2012

[brasi]

The first night I ever spoke with Sarah was for about 5 seconds, online. A week later, after I'd essentially forgotten talking to her, she contacted me again through an IM on a social networking site.

Immediately, when I saw her picture, I was aware she was a lot younger than me...ended up to be by 18 years...and gorgeous. But I decided I could be "just friends" with her and there was a LOT to talk about. Football. Divorce, and the our common belief that the DNA lottery is a double-edge sword. She hated being so gorgeous because she said no one gave a sh*t about what she EVER said. She started falling for me because I "had never mentioned that she was pretty." Most guys she said just wanted to get in her pants.

Believe me, I noticed she was pretty. But I too have an issue with the blessed ones who take advantage of good looks to get away with being mediocre at other things. A rock writer once said about my band---"Flakjacket isn't good looking enough to make it. But if they were as good looking as their songs sound they'd be famous..." True. But it sucks.

A month after we started talking, we went to see Marc Cohn at a really intimate theater near me. Unplanned romantic kind of thing...that night, we started being honest about wanting to be together despite what anyone would think about our age difference (39-22). A week later...she showed up at my band's show unannounced, and on the ride home asked if I wanted a girlfriend...and if so, could she be it? It was cute and defines her personality.

As beautiful as she was, she loved ME, a somewhat overweight, not-cute old dude...and she didn't give a flying crap about the band or any of the dumb stuff (bands, good job nice home, etc). Usually the fact that I am really nice guy is meaningless when you are honest with the way a lot of women pick guys. To Sarah the nice guy part was the most important thing about me, the guts of me.

My marriage---which had ended three years previous to us meeting---was probably the worst emotional/physical relationship possible...so Sarah was a breath of fresh air. Just...felt RIGHT. Holding hands was amazing. I could be just me, and she loved that.

What she taught me was that love can come out of the weirdest places. She taught me that things are not always as they appear. She taught me that love is unconditional. She had a myriad of health issues, deep ones, a disorder that she just could not overcome. She was a fighter. But she lost...and so did I.

My biggest wish is that somehow someway I could have done more. For 18 months that I knew her...I was a caretaker, financial backer, taxi service, bank account, lover, best friend. It was HARD. But I would take it all back in a second, and do it all again. Because she loved me and I felt that almost every minute we were together...I was deeply in love and still am. We were going to shock the world and move in together in August...she passed away in June. WE were going to Jamaica in January, and we might have done something crazy and gotten married. But we knew that's where we'd eventually do it, someday.

Our last argument was about her not wanting to go anywhere that morning. She was tired. I had obligations. Without getting into it, I realize now that she was already "in trouble" right before I went outside...it was coming...I came back in 20 minutes later and found her..................................if I had just stayed inside...and been able to call 911 sooner...................

I know I fulfilled one thing for her. I loved her. I never pushed her away like so many others had. I always forgave her. I always pulled her closer when she felt she had made a mistake. When she was feeling low I told her I loved her and we'd do it together. When she slipped up, I'd put her to bed and make sure she was ok....it made for many sleepless nights.

I don't know if the Obeah woman was legitimate. I don't KNOW anything; I am surprised I pursued that because I am typically agnostic and sit on the fence...spiritual...but certainly not extremely religious...a believer that science is at least CLOSER to the truth.

I am left alone...and sometimes...I wish I'd never met Sarah if only because now that I've had a true love I realize how nearly impossible it is to find. Sometimes...and this is when I get saddest...I can't remember what her voice sounded like. All the pictures I have are never enough...I miss her like crazy...it's getting better...but...it still is a deep deep pain.

Thanks for your words. I am very sorry if this kind of thing turns people off, and I realize it has little to do with Negril. But it helps...so, everyone that has said kind things to me, or PM'd me...I mean it when I say I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.