‘Life’s a Beach’ - or - AnD nOw FoR sOmEtHiNg CoMpLeTeLy DiFfErEnT -

[booger]

Nice recount of all things guy time....

[Clarity]

What a disgusting pig!! haha

Turned out she was German or Norwegian or one of those Scandinavian types who walk around topless all the time and sit naked in communal saunas, so it was no big deal for her to have a complete stranger rub lotion into her chest.

I lived in Germany for four years. My first experience in one of those communal saunas was eye opening to say the least. Europeans have a very different approach to nudity.

Oh and speaking of book signings...
Don't forget to sign mine!

Keep it coming, K3!

[Jenn]

OMG I am loving this report! I just read all 12 pages, laughing out loud all the while! Thank you ~ can't wait for more!

[Kahuna3]

Oh and speaking of book signings...
Don't forget to sign mine!

Clarity - I won't forget.
Yesterday I saw something that I thought you might like - so I took a photo . . . . . a couple of dozen DEAD lion fish.

[Mr. Twister]

Kahuna....Were they selling the fish to a restaurant? I encouraged some of the local chef's to put it on their menu on my last trip to help decrease the lionfish population.

[Kahuna3]

Kahuna....Were they selling the fish to a restaurant? I encouraged some of the local chef's to put it on their menu on my last trip to help decrease the lionfish population.

Mr. Twister - I don't know where the lion fish were destined, I just saw them and snapped a photo and didn't ask any questions.

Earlier today Fabs and I were sitting in our usual spot next to the sun deck when three females pulled up close to us, an older woman and two teenagers. They were speaking French – it sounded like the Quebec variety. They made a big deal about getting settled, a lot of talking, moving their beach bags around and flapping of towels. They were loud and brash and had potty-mouths (I speak French, so I understood their lingo). From the way they acted I quickly formed the opinion that they were the ‘trailer-park/Jersey-Shore-trash’ type (no offence to anyone who lives in a trailer park or in Jersey). When the trio was finally settled, one of the girls turned on her boom box and cranked it up. The ‘music’ was the typical crap that girls her age listen to.

Fabs and I figured that it was a either a mother with her two daughters, or a mother and daughter with a friend. Anyhow, these girls were maybe (and I’m being generous here), eighteenish – it’s hard to tell these days. After a few minutes the girls decided to go for a swim. They stood up and popped their tops off; their bottoms were micro-thongs.

I’m no prude but I felt a little uneasy seeing these really young girls flaunting their still-developing bodies – and so did Fabs. And make no mistake – these two Lolitas were strutting and preening and putting on a show.

We decided that we would go for a walk up to Sun Beach for a beer and check the beach scene – which we did. We had a couple up there and then slowly headed back to White Sands. When we got back we were a little surprised to see that the mom and teenagers had moved onto our lounges, having placed our towels on the lounges that they’d previously occupied. Not a big deal, but . . . hey.

The mom looked to be on the downside of her forties; she had that ‘rode-hard-and-put-away-wet’ look about her. She came over and explained that they had to move us because they needed to get closer to the plug-in under the sun-deck for their boom box. Then she gave Fabs a big smile and a twiddly-finger wave and walked away twitching her substantial backside as she went.

“Yah gonna take one for the team there, Fabs?” I prodded.

“There is not enough liquor in Jamaica, brother,” he snorted.

“You sure? I think she’s got it for you. Maybe you could arrange for a mother-daughter thing? You know, Wilt Chamberlain style, you told me you always wanted to do that.”

Fabs had a pained expression. “Absolutely no way! Besides, did you see her arse? Looks like the north end of a south-bound cow. It’d be like throwing a banana down a hallway.”

Presently the trio attracted the attention of a twenty-something guy who had stopped at the bar for a beer. We were within earshot of them and couldn’t help but overhear their conversation.

Fabs, who was closer to them than me, said, “Dude, those girls and the old babe are talkin’ with that young guy about doing a porno!”

“You’re sh!tin’ me,” I said. I started to listen more closely.

Sure enough, they had a little screenplay written up and they were going over it with this guy asking if he would like to be in their video! He was definitely into it; like most young guys would be. They were saying, (and I’ll be general here), ‘you do this with her, and then I come over and you do this and that, and . . .’

No kidding. It was disgusting because these girls were so young and trashy, and it was like the mom was pimping them out. I guess maybe she handled the camera and lighting. In fact it was so disgusting that I’m not going to talk about it anymore.

We wanted to get away, so we went up onto the sun-deck (smoke deck) to get a better view down the beach. We were up there for a couple of minutes when this huge, jacked-up guy walked up onto the deck and strutted over to the railing. This dude was so ripped it was freaky. He probably has muscle fibers in his excrement. He was shaved bald and was wearing a super-tight, white stretchy top pulled over his massively muscled torso. He had a kind-of Mike Tyson-ish look to him.

Now, Fabs is pretty well built, but standing beside this dude he looked like Pee Wee Herman.

Anyhow, this guy sucked in a deep breath, puffed out his bull–sized chest, put his arms out like a preacher embracing his flock, and announced, “My country!”

“So you’re Jamaican?” I asked.

“I’m Jamerican!” he boasted.

“Oh,” I said.

He beamed at me and then pointed directly to the west. “Forty miles! Cuba!” he exclaimed loudly.

Fabs and I looked at each other and smiled.

“No, Dude. That’s the Yucatan out that way. Cuba is over there,” Fabs said, pointing to the north. “And it’s more like a hundred and twenty miles.”

The guy looked at Fabs, then nodded and looked to the north.

“Yeah, Cuba, that way,” he said.

[Kahuna3]

We hung out on the deck for a while and tried talking to the guy but he was so stunned he made Mr. Potato Head come off like Stephen Hawking. So we went down to the bar. As we passed the Lolitas, one of them called out to Fabs, “Hey good-lookin’ - wanna hook-up with my Mama?”

What can I say?

Later we saw that same girl headed up to her room (the porn studio) with the big Jamerican. And that, I thought, was a pretty strong argument for selective sterilization.

It was around mid-afternoon when we decided to head south for a bit in search of refreshments. We got as far as Tony’s Hut before the heat of the sun drove us off the beach. There were two babes sitting at the bar. Fabs strode right up to the bar and parked himself beside the better looking of the two. He was rewarded with a big beautiful smile. She was about five foot, eight inches tall with an athletic build - right in Fabs’ power alley. She was wearing a string bikini, a beaten straw cowboy hat and a cool pair of shades.

Fabs ordered a couple of Red Stripes then turned his smile on the sexy one.

“HI!” she said. “How’re y’all doin’.” She spoke with a thick Alabama drawl and appeared to be a bit drunk.

“I’m doin’ fine, Baby,” Fabs replied. He, too, sensed that she’d been drinking and to him it was like a shark smelling blood in the water.

“You look like you work out!” she blurted.

Oh my God, give me a break.

Her friend was gawking at Fabs, kind of dumbstruck. Up to that point, neither one of these ladies had even remotely acknowledged my presence. I raised my palms to my chest and patted myself just to make sure that I hadn’t spontaneously evaporated.

Her friend was average looking and a little chubby. In a year or two she would probably qualify as one of Fabs’ ‘big-uns’. No problem. I figured I’d chat her up once she realized that Fabs wasn’t about to give her the time of day.

I was standing beside Fabs, sipping my Stripe. Alabama reached over and ran her hand through Fabs’ hair. “What do you do, are you a model?”

Lord!

Fabs smiled and fed her one of his canned lines, “I’m a massage therapist,” he said. Which is complete bullsh!te; he actually works for an insurance company and sits in front of a computer all day. He’s told me that if women think he’s a massage therapist, it puts them at ease and “it makes it okay for me to touch them, because I’m a professional, you see.” I’ll tell you, I’ve seen him use this line quite a few times and it works.

As an athlete and a gym-rat, Fabs knows the names of most of the muscles and tendons in the body, especially those in the shoulders, chest, legs and thighs, which are his areas of particular interest. If the need arises, he’s able to spiel these terms off as part of his ‘massage therapist’ ruse.

Sure enough, soon Alabama was complaining that one of her shoulders was a bit stiff. Fabs put his hands on her and probed her shoulder and squeezed it until she winced. Then he got a concerned frown on his face and started using some of his well-practiced diagnostic phrases like, ‘excess tension’ and ‘could be a touch of bursitis where your subscapularis inserts into the lesser tubercle’. She nodded and gazed at him raptly. And when he stopped probing her shoulder and began to massage it, Alabama started to moan.

I attempted to start up a conversation with her friend, but she was a bit cool towards me, so I went over and sat on a bench, sipped on my beer and contemplated the ocean.

The next time I looked over at Fabs he had Alabama in a lip-lock; her arms were wrapped around his neck and her straw cowboy hat was pushed back on her head.

I walked up to Niah’s, got a vegetable patty and walked back to my room.

I haven’t seen Fabs since Tony’s this afternoon. There were Super Bowl parties all up and down the beach tonight, but many got rained out – it poured again for about two hours.

[Brian]

Has Fabs had a penicillin shot lately? Sounds like he might need one.

[Jbizek]

What a trip report! I second the need for a shot of some powerful antibiotics for your friend.

[poolguywindsor]

OK, so honestly I dont think I have ever read a whole book in my life (cant stay still that long) anyway if this is the kind of stuff in your books I might actually make it through one!