Paradox in Paradise

[irieworld]

wow--what a great read! I couldn't put it down once I started. Thank you for the trip--I can't wait for it to continue. I am so starved for Jamaica--sometimes I don't know if reports like this help satiate the desire or fan the flames. Fan the flames I guess.

[marley9808]

Marley - Thanks for the photo. That is it basically but he made some changes for this event. We didn't get a close enough look to really check it out and we were pretty happy at that point. I was on my way to the bathroom as they were serving them and one of the waiters stopped and let me have a look. He definitely had found a way to suspend the heart-shaped, cut rose petals between the light and the top glass plate and the light play through the glass was crazy which made me think there was water in there. It looks like yours had roses in the glass box. World class presentation, I hope yours was delicious!

Unfortunatley, I didn't have that one, it was just a picture from his facebook page of the Valentine's Day menu....but every time I have eaten at the Rockhouse my meal has been just as tasty as it is pleasant to look at!

[Guirigay]

Wednesday
The pre-dawn rituals this morning indicate a beautiful sunrise. We try the roof of our room block first, It has great views but not of the sunrise so we move back to our Sunrise Suite. As we reach the roof we smile, it’s going to be an auspicious day. Out to sea a full moon is setting with clouds on the horizon. Just as the moon drops into the clouds the first rays of daylight hit the tops of the clouds. We watch darkness slip away. As we turn around we catch the first bright beam of the sun poke through the trees. Moonset at Sunrise…



We head down to the cliff decks. We decide on the far west deck and begin, seeking the bubbling well. This is my favorite spot of all time for doing Tai Chi. Perched on a cliff and staring at the sea it is so easy to slip into the meditative state. There is a tremendous sense of peace and satisfaction as we finish our repetitions. We linger for a while on our favorite sun deck. As is almost always the case our period of reflection ends with a question, “Coffee?”

The journey to Easy Rock is interrupted by a few street dog encounters, Sweetie Pie happily calling the dogs. Most of them are wary but they all find their way to the treats, usually sneaking off with them. We see Scar in the distance, he is different. He comes running up to Sweetie Pie and does the circle dance. A couple of dog treats are downed quickly and he is at our side until we get to Easy Rock. He won’t cross the street though, he sits and watches as we enter. He sits there for quite a while.



There are already a few other patrons this morning and we make small talk on the verandah. Max is very excited about the Beenie Man show last night. “It was wild, mon,” he says, “All the ladies were bumpin’, the ladies love Beenie!” The cricket report is on the BBC sports feed. “I’m gonna tell you,” Max begins with a phrase I will always associate with him after this week, “A lot of people say you’ve gotta be this or that or you gotta be a certain way to play cricket. We say, ‘If you got the skill then you get to play.’” I tell him that’s a philosophy to live by.

Max is having problems with one of the keyed padlocks to the bathroom sticking. I show him the pencil trick, loading up the key with graphite. He gets excited, “I love these kind of things. A guy showed me a couple of weeks ago how to clean my computer screens with peanut butter!”

Sweetie Pie needs to use the computer but we’re busted after coffee. We need to go to the ATM and we tell Max we’ll be back later. Back downtown we head. We’re starting to get pretty comfortable walking the west end road. The one place I never really like though is the hill and turn just past the Commerce Bank. It’s safest I think to be on the water side for most of it but that means having to jump over the road twice when you head into town. You need to do this quickly while paying attention. I try to find the ATM at the shopping plaza where the NCB is. Someone tells me it’s out front so I walk back toward the road. This out front thing has NOT messed me up for the last time. We can’t find the ATM but know there is one at the Scotia Bank. We’re hoping we’re early enough that it won’t be too crowded.

[Guirigay]

We get in a line of 4-5 people, I think all locals. We get panhandled while waiting by a guy who has a swollen right foot and calf. He has cancer, he can’t fish with his leg, his treatments are expensive. Whatever may or may not be accurate about his story, he is dealing with some problems. I tell him I will help him out. He is getting some sideways looks from some of the other people in line. We get into the ATM and find out the system in Jamaica will not let me access my account with my money in it. I try a couple of times and all I can get at are Checking or Savings. I am not aware of it at the moment but I’m slipping into a great vortex of doom, a nightmare of epic proportions, The Jamaican Banking System.

I’m a little frustrated by the ATM and just as the last attempt is failing I turn around to see a young man with his face plastered against the window staring in at us. I get a little freaked out, we grab our card and go. As I’m walking out I say, “The ATM wouldn’t give me any cash.” I’m thinking my panhandler will be there but as I look around he is nowhere to be seen. I wonder what made him move on, I don’t see any officers around. Community policing? It was all locals watching him work me. Maybe he saw a more lucrative mark, I don’t know but I still wonder…

As we’re walking back Sweetie Pie talks me out of a little panic. I’m having some irrational thoughts about being played. We decide we’ll try to get a cash advance at the hotel and failing that I’ll take my credit card to the bank before the pub crawl and get a cash advance on it. We get back to HSH and talk to Charlie about a cash advance . He tries to be as helpful as he can but there are issues, We talk about several different options that are either a problem for him or a problem for me. He will do the cash advance on the card BUT he says, “Every charge that is rung up on my account is liable for an 18% government tax so you’ll have to pay that too.” We decide we’ll try the cash advance at the bank.

We decide to go snorkeling again this morning. From the moment we start prepping the sea starts to pick up. By the time we’re at the sea deck we have to watch for a minute or two before deciding to get in. It’s a timed entry at the sea ladder, waiting for a nice backwash to jump out. We follow some beautiful coral canyons for a while, when we look up we’re a ways off shore, almost to the boat lanes. We head back toward the cliffs. At one point I feel a grab from Sweetie Pie and we come up. “I just saw a box jellyfish!” she exclaims. A short while later I notice one when I’m almost on top of it. What an adrenaline rush! Probably 4-5 feet away but under the water it looks like it’s right there! We continue snorkeling in closer to the cliff but this gets a little dicey in the rough sea. You don’t want to be too close to the boulders or coral heads in the troughs of the waves. I can hear Sweetie Pie saying things I wish I hadn’t heard before. We head back to the sea deck.

We shower and get cleaned up then we grab some lunch at the restaurant. Fish and Chips and again we have excellent Jamaican French fries. We decide an early nap is a great idea since we’ll be crawling at our typical nap time. There is a nice hammock in the courtyard. We take up residence.

[Guirigay]

I have my watch on today, one of the few times I wear it all week. I figure I better give myself enough time at the bank, this ain’t my first Caribbean adventure. We get up about 1 and start our way back down the road. As we pass Mi Yard I get a call out from a Rasta in the yard. We go over to have a talk. He says he is a Bush Doctor, asks if us or any of our family has diabetes. He has some bird peppers, tiny little green peppers. “Good for the diabetes, swallow them whole, don’t chew,” he says. We talk a little bit but I have to beg off, “I need to get to the bank so we can come back for the pub crawl.” “Sure, Mon,” he says. Sweetie Pie peels off at Easy Rock again and I head down to the NCB. I button up my hair shirt.

Chinese water torture and Japanese bamboo torture have a new ethnic dungeon mate, the Jamaican Bank Torture. I will describe it if you have the stomach to read it. First you enter the bank and get in line. It may be the right line or it may not. It almost doesn’t matter because even if it is the right line you may be asked to get in another line as well. When you get to the front of the line you may be able to go see a teller who may or may not be able to help you with your request, or like me, you may be told that you’ve been waiting in the wrong line and you need to go to the other line. “What other line?” you may ask. “Over there,” you are told and pointed to not a line, but rows of chairs. A line that moves SO SLOW that chairs are required. In Jamaica. That, my friends, is a slow moving line. When you finally get to see a bank agent be prepared to have your request denied if your first born child is not available. Passports, drivers licenses, SS, credit and insurance cards are all meaningless if you’ve been stuck with your middle name by your parents. This is a completely unacceptable practice in some parts of the world and causes me loads of grief today. The bank manager won’t issue me a cash advance but does help me figure out a way to get cash from the ATM tomorrow. “Can I at least get some money changed?” I ask. “Sure, you just need to get back in that line…”

I am in the bank long enough to calculate the average teller transaction time. It is 12 minutes per transaction. The slow line runs closer to half an hour. Just as I get to the front of the line it is closing time. At 2:29 pm a little old lady walks in the door and is guided to a chair at the front of the line. The next teller opens up and the little old lady is walked to her window. I have to smile at the fates. I walk out of the bank with $8350 Jamaican at 2:50.

My biggest frustrations on this trip have to do with getting money and getting money exchanged. The banking and financial services systems in Jamaica ARE antiquated and do seem to run at cross purposes sometimes. The money exchange is its own issue worthy of much discussion. I want to be clear, though, that me ending up in the bowels of a Jamaican bank flush mostly comes down to me not being prepared appropriately. Be prepared, or else…

I speed walk back to Easy Rock to grab Sweetie Pie. Her and Max are having a grand old time. No news on our email check but that’s OK. We settle up and head for the crawl.

[Guirigay]

The deck is full at Mi Yard when we walk up. It’s after 3 so we figure the crawl is under way. “What’s up pub crawlers!” We hoot as we walk up the stairs. Crickets chirp and we get funny stares. Oops, our bad, Jamaica time. We grab a couple of Stripes and settle in to one of the tables, a group of fit and dapper 50 somethings. A group of folks come wandering in from up the west end from Blue Cave Castle. It’s starting to rev up. The Bus pulls into the yard and I kid you not, every person who was sitting on the porch when we got there gets up to leave. “Here come the drinkers!” I say. One of the fit and fifty’s says,”Yup,” and kind of gives a head nod to the exit. “Oh, we’re rolling with these cats for awhile.” I get a furrowed brow with a wave goodbye.

Bush Doctor comes around and sees me, “you’re back, mon, just like you said! A mon of your word!” This is one of the nicer compliments I receive this week.

The first bus empties but I don’t see anyone I recognize. We talk with the guys from Blue Cave, they’ve been having a great time hanging out at Spider bar. “It’s across from the Castle,” they say, “but there’s no sign, somebody stole it.” This leads to a whole funny line of remarks.

The second bus load pulls up and the first person we recognize is Crusher. You can’t miss Crusher, he is a mountain of a man. He introduces us to Wench but the wife is back at the hotel resting. I had really been hoping to meet her. “She’s good but she needed the rest,” says Crusher. I hope the rest of her week goes well.

I see a long haired wild man walk by. No question, Newfie is in the house! We had a fair bit of back and forth on the board before heading down so I was excited to meet him. Newfie did not disappoint. Newfie is there with a pretty good contingent from Fun Holiday, most of whose names I’ve forgotten. Sorry, it was that kind of day. AimBri are there and a young couple from Canada we dub Johnny Fast and Amber Glow, they’re down on their delayed honeymoon having tied the knot last Summer. This kind of becomes the nucleus of our pub crawl experience. We all wander off for a drink or a view, a joke or a smoke but inevitably we end up standing next to each other again talking smack or sense or stupidity. Mostly the former and the latter. They are the perfect companions in crime.

I take a load of crap for my board name. I know this is coming. AimBri says, “He explained the whole thing.” “Yeah, but, still… Read it out loud… c’mon, couldn’t you spell it phonetically?” I laugh because I had thought about that. My OCD kicked in, though, and I just couldn’t misspell…

Mi Yard is great, the owner brings out some plates of food. Bammy, saltfish and dumplings, breadfruit and more. The kitchen here is amazing for authentic Jamaican food. We knock back a few but before you know it it’s time to crawl.

The next stop is Swordfish, I think. I feel stupid because we walked by it every day. Big sign for ice cream out front. This would be another great hangout, excellent deck up top with great views. Things start to loosen up a little. Someone takes a picture of Newfie and Johnny Fast at the rail doing their best rockstar excess pose, wild eyed and tongues wagging with Newfie’s mane blowing in the wind. “I want that picture!” I yell. If you took it, please post it here.

[Guirigay]

We jump on the bus to head up to the next stop, a twofer, Tayon’s and the Country and Western. I may have offended some folks dissing the Country and Western, that’s where they were headed and they agreed with me that Tayon’s is where I should be. I ran up the lane from here to get my iPhone and as I passed C&W they are playing Toby Keith and when I return Tayon’s is playing Peter Tosh’s “Get Up, Stand Up”. I feel vindicated.

Sweetie Pie and Amber Glow are out front chatting away. “Need another Sweetie?” I call out. A semi-distracted glance, quick smile and nod is all I get. Sweetie Pie is having fun. As I’m getting a couple at the bar I hear the distinct gravelly voice of a man whose spent most of his life enjoying the ride on the backroads. “I told the giant I’ve got his back if he gets any trouble from the guy in the straw hat,” bellows Newfie as he steps up for a refill. I think he’s talking about Crusher. “No, man, didn’t you see?” and he points out a Jamaican sitting at the picnic table out front. He is huge. “6-6 when he stands up,” says Newfie. He’s every bit of 400 pounds, maybe 5, maybe more. It gets hard to tell when a person is THAT big.



Next stop is another twofer, No Limit and Pee Wees. We hit No Limit first. As I’m delivering a drink to Sweetie Pie she says that Amber Glow and Johnny Fast want to have a romantic dinner on the cliffs tomorrow night to celebrate their honeymoon. “You should go talk to Johnny,” says Sweetie Pie. “I’ll need to tell him some confidential stuff,” I say, “Evil plans are still afoot. Is that OK?” With the glow twins approval I’m off to find Johnny.

I tell him about Xtabi, Rockhouse and what I have planned for Catcha tomorrow night as they seem to line up with what he’s looking for. He likes the sound of Catcha but tomorrow is their last night. I tell him Catcha is right out then ‘cause that will be our crib tomorrow night. “Xtabi and Rockhouse are just up the road though, you could walk up and have a look tonight and make a reservation at the one you prefer,” I say.

A little while later I get a call from Sweetie Pie, “Come look at this!” I go out and look up in the tree on the corner by No Limit. I see a tree. “Look,” says Sweetie Pie as she points. I drop my head on her arm and look out past her finger. Something in the tree moves. I don’t know why the parrot is so easy to see in this picture, at the time it seemed like a tree ninja.



We’re hanging out on the corner of Ella lane having a blast. AimBri are a very cute couple, unbelievably nice and a load of fun. Newfie reminds me of some guys I know from the Outlaws in Northeast Ohio, one of my old stomping grounds. He is hilarious, non-stop fun and you don’t have to spend too much time with him to know there is a heart of gold beating under that bare barrel chest. He is straight up, I say, and to the left he might add. Johnny Fast and Amber Glow are bright, articulate, beautiful and a blast. Just a great group to party with on the cliffs.

I love these pictures, they capture a moment that captures the day for me, especially AimBri’s easy going smiles. This is a fun group of people! Where the hell is Johnny Fast!!

[Guirigay]

We stay at No Limit for a while. We notice the bus taking a group up the lane to the next stop. ”We better go over and check out Pee Wees!” is the consensus of the brain trust. Pee Wees rocks. Drinks are in hand down by the cliff, a cocktail party by the sea. Each turn seems to offer a new amusing conversation. Sweetie Pie is excited and calls me over. “This is Debbie Lightheart,” she says, “She’s running spay and neutering clinics for the area around Negril.” I’m kind of blown away by the coincidence. We have talked at several times during the last few days about what Sweetie Pie can do to help the dogs after we leave. She feels a spay and neuter program would be a good thing and here are the hands of fate delivering the opportunity. This is a true moment and I try to soak it up as best I can. It is better than any cocktail I have tonight. I look at Sweetie Pie and I can see she is already formulating a plan. She and Debbie have a long conversation. Intersection meets cross-plane that divides the junction of crossroads which split the connection of nodes that coalesce at this meeting point. Damn… Life… Wow… Crazy how things come together…

[Guirigay]

Efforts to move on to the next bar on the crawl materialize and evaporate. Amber Glow gets a Pina Colada and raves about it. Sips around confirm it is a great one. I tell a story about having one at the Hilton Caribe in San Juan where it was invented, this one is close, chunky with pineapple bits. Sweetie Pie really likes it. “Johnny, do you have $5?” asks Amber Glow. “Yes.” “Give it to me!” she says with a big smile. Shortly she returns with a Pina Colada for Sweetie Pie.

We never get past Pee Wees on the pub crawl, we’re just having too much fun. We notice the bus coming back down the road with passengers. There’s lots of talk of what to do from here. Some are ready to head back to the beach, some are going to hang here for a while and catch a cab back. Johnny Fast and Amber Glow would like to walk up to Xtabi and Rockhouse but aren’t having much luck convincing any of their Fun Holiday pals to go. Sweetie Pie and I are trying to figure out our plan when Johnny and Amber come over, “Let’s go up and look at Rockhouse.” As we’re standing at the gate at Pee Wees talking about what the plan is Amber Glow looks over across the road. “Oh my God!” she exclaims, “SOMEBODY is mooning the bus!” A head shaking bust out ensues. So long pub crawl, Much Love!!

We give Johnny and Amber the inebriated and abbreviated version of the safe walking rules. At one point at No Limit I had to grab Ambers arm and pull her off the road to avoid a car and I want to have a safe walk. We move cautiously and have a nice talk on the way to Xtabi. As we turn in the bar roof rises up in front of us and Amber lets out a little gasp. We step up to the bar and I order a round of Dirty Bananas. The bartender delivers a thing of beauty. The side of the glass has been drizzled with chocolate syrup before the drink was poured and the glass looks like a delicious piece of pop art. “I don’t know if this is the best Dirty Banana of the week but it sure is the prettiest!” I tell the bartender. “Presentation, mon, respect!” he answers and the smile on his face says it all. We tour the cliffs and go down in the beach cave. On the way out I set my glass on the bar and the bartender shoots me a look. “Not JUST the prettiest…” I say with a big smile. Out shoots the fist and with a return smile he says, “Thank you, mon, respect.” I believe I’ve said it before and I know I will say it again, I love Xtabi.

We continue up the road to Rockhouse. Sweetie Pie and Amber are on a roll and I enjoy Johnny’s viewpoint on any topic we stumble across. Against one of those walls that has a tree growing streetside we hold up because a car is coming. I turn around to say something to Johnny and as I turn back to peak around the tree the car is RIGHT THERE. Whoosh! What a head rush! And a nice wake up call to keep your wits on the road.

[Guirigay]

We get to Rockhouse and Johnny and Amber are quite pleased. They take a quick look around and decide this is the spot. We point out some things from our dinner last night. They make reservations for tomorrow night, the sunset seating at the Rock Table. “Would you like a complimentary shuttle?” they’re asked. “Yes.” “We’ll be there at 4:45” “Exactly,” I say with a smile.

The primary mission is complete. What to do now? We decide that we should have something to eat. It’s a really good idea at this point. “So if you’re gonna eat here tomorrow night, we could stop back in at Xtabi for a bite tonight and you will get them both.” “We can go down and see if anyone’s still at Pee Wees afterward” It’s so easy to come up with genius plans under these sorts of conditions…

When we get back to Xtabi we get a hearty welcome from the bartender and another round of drinks. We decide to catch a sea view before sitting down to dinner. As we’re standing in a circle by the beach cave steps I tell Johnny and Amber about our conch burgers yesterday. I think I am pretty descriptive. Suddenly we notice a gentleman leaning against the railing by the kitchen door slowly sipping a coffee cup. He’s got his kitchen linens on but he is all kinds of laid back and cool as he sort of boulevards the rail and post. “Enjoying the night?” he asks. We talk for a bit. “You’re not drinking coffee are you?” asks Sweetie Pie. “No,” he replies. “Is that soup?” “All day long,” he answers with a smile.

“I was telling them about the conch burgers here,” I say. “Yah, mon, I make the conch burgers,” says Conch God. Now I’m flying reconnaissance spy missions at the moment but that does not affect the fact that every word I’m about to speak is the unadulterated truth, and Conch God knows it. “You make one of the greatest things on earth, mon!” He smiles, takes a sip of his soup then lifts his cup to me, “Respect, mon!” We talk conch. He will tell me NOTHING about how he makes it.

“It’s too bad you only make them for lunch,” I say. He thinks for a moment and says, “I can make you conch burgers.” “Really?” “Yah, mon, just go up front and tell them Conch God sent you.” We do this and are promptly escorted out to the table on the point. “The best table in the house,” I say. “Yah, mon, of course,” says our waiter. We sit Johnny and Amber at the best seats, looking back on the resort and down the cliffs at the softly lit cottages clinging to the edge.

When we order the waiter says, “We don’t serve conch burgers at dinner.” “Conch God said he would make them for us,” we answer. “Well let me see.” He returns in a short while and says, “We can make conch burgers for you!” We order three and a filet mignon. Nothing I say has convinced Johnny that he will enjoy a mouthful of sea snails. When Johnny’s soup shows up it is followed by soup for everyone else. “But we didn’t order these,” we say. “Compliments of the chef,” we are told. I could eat it all day long.