First, let me say that the title of this report in no way refers to getting my groove back by getting jiggy with strange men while on my Jamaican vacation, sorry to disappoint.
However, what it does refer to is the somewhat stifled and lonely life that I have been living for some time now and my need to find myself again.
Without getting into a ton of detail, I would like to explain where I am coming from.
I know that no one needs or wants to hear about the woes of a total strangers life, but I do feel that it is an essential part of this trip report. So here we go….
I am a close to forty year old mother of amazing, beautiful twin boys who are three and a half years old. These boys are my life, my heart, my love.
I have been married to their father, D, for almost nine years now.
My whole life I have looked forward to being a mother and a wife.
I have always been extremely independent, leaving home as a teenager to finish high school several hours away from my parents home.
Through my later teens and twenties I spent a lot of time traveling the country in my big old van, sometimes following the Grateful Dead and always living freely and making my own way.
I met D when I was 27 and we married when I was 30.
Things were good in the beginning. We lived together in a nice neighborhood by the beach in a great part of the country. I worked in management at a popular local restaurant and night club and D worked as a artist in the next town over.
About 6 years ago, D asked me to give up my job to help him start his dream business and I did.
We worked side by side day and night making his dream a reality.
Things began to change. D was becoming a different person, owning a business was changing him, or maybe it was just bringing out who he really was, perhaps some of both, I still don’t really know.
We had always planned on having a family and in the spring of 2008 we decided that it was time. I got pregnant right away, a true blessing and not only that, it was TWINS!!! I am blessed, I know that for sure.
The boys arrived by an emergency c section two months early and I was in bad shape with lots of complications.
One of the boys spent a month in the NICU and the other a month and a half. It was a extremely stressful time but we all made it through and are stronger for it now.
Needless to say, after having the babies my whole life changed. I was now a stay at home mom of twins and it was hard.
D didn’t understand, his life had not changed much and still hasn’t.
He was gone everyday from 9am till 9pm and I was alone with two babies.
When D had a day off he would think up any excuse to not have to watch the kids so I could get a break.
Now that I was a stay at home mom I had no income and I didn’t have a magic bank account sitting around full of money, in fact, I had no money at all.
All of my money had to come from asking my husband. Every time I needed something I would have to ask him and he could say no and often did.
I was not use to this. I have always made my own way.
D is a know it all. There is no arguing with him. He is also extremely passive aggressive.
He had become almost impossible to live with.
The boys are now three and things have not changed, he is still gone every day from 9 till 9 and makes up even more excuses every week on why he can’t spend time with his kids.
He leaves everyday without saying goodbye and returns home in the same fashion. There is pretty much no relationship there at all and it makes me so sad and lonely.
We now live way out in the country about 25 min from any town. I am alone day in and day out with two 3 year olds. I have little to no adult contact on most days and it drives me a bit crazy.
When D arrives home I often ask about his day with excitement as to have some sort of contact with the outside world. His reply is pretty much always the same. That he doesn’t want to be “questioned about his day” and that he needs to relax. The rest of his evening is spent flopped on the couch glued to his computer. Mine is spent bathing the kids, feeding the dogs and cats, cleaning up the mess from dinner, taking out the trash, ect.
He does pretty much NOTHING around the house.
The next day the cycle starts again.
You may ask, why don’t I go out and get a job?
I would love to.
D says that is fine with him but that he can’t or won’t pay for child care so I would have to pay for it.
Paying for daycare for 2 kids would eat up anything that I made, so what is the point?
Wow…I am so sorry. I am totally going on here. That was not my intention. I just wanted to give you a little background on where this trip report is coming from.
I don’t want you to think that I am a Debbie downer. I am not
I am very blessed. I live in a beautiful home and I am able to stay home with my beautiful boys everyday, something that a lot of mothers only dream of.
My home is warm and the lights are on, there is food in the fridge.
My cup is half full.
I am just so lonely.
