Irie's attempt to get her groove back...TRIP REPORT

[marley9808]

Irie....this hurts my heart!

I don't have much to give but these three things:
1) You will NEVER be alone as long as you have us boardies, you have a family here that loves you!
2) If you can make it to Florida, you will ALWAYS have a place to stay, it might not be much, but it is a room, and a bed and a roof and you will always be welcome here
3) You never EVER have to suck it up and deal with anything, the world is full of options, and though the road might be rocky, the journey is always possible, and you my friend, deserve so much more! And I have a strong feeling that if any of us can help you get there, we will!

Please don't sacrifice your happiness for anything or anyone!
Life is too short to spend it unhappy! And you deserve to be happy, and smiling and loving life....just like you were in Jamaica!

[SweetSue]

I am so sorry you are having difficulties. However, one thought did cross my mind - If you used your Verizon phone, even with the International Plan, to call home, that bill must be astronomical! (current rate $1.99/min) I made that mistake ONCE but they had also made in error in quoting me the price per minute of calling JA from US as the price of calling US from JA. Since the error was documented, they had to reverse much of the charges, otherwise my phone bill would have been >$500. Since the proverbial coin has two sides, I can see the other side of this one.... BUT please read on as I give you points to ponder - no answers expected except the ones you make to yourself. (I am a mother hen at heart, always have been)

Don't get me wrong. I do not condone abusiveness in any form, however, is there some possibility that as the sole provider in the household, you husband is overwhelmed by the responsibility? Could it be that he is too proud to admit that he is having difficulty covering all of the expenses by himself but instead of coming to you like an equal partner, he is freaking out and trying to CONTROL everything? Perhaps he views your sojourn in Jamaica NOT as a time for you to recharge yourself but rather as running away from your marital problems or as being irresponsible? AGAIN - I AM NOT EXCUSING BAD BEHAVIOR. I am trying to encourage you to be self examining. You cannot control another's emotions or responses, only your own. But you would benefit from looking at what you can do to make things better. It sounds like money issues have a lot to do with your situation. Is he trying to control you with it or does he feel that you have poor self control? Are there steps you can make to improve your situation? Can you make a realistic household budget? Are you shopping as a means of finding solace in an unhappy situation? I had a friend who did that. She would shop, buy things she did not need and could not afford. Then she would try to hide the purchases from him. But that only worked until the bills came in. Then it was monthly WAR!! He was a real SOB but she was not improving her own situation either.

Have you considered Counseling? Marital or otherwise? Can you sit down and have an honest discussion with him? One that is not driven by emotion but by a logical approach to the issues. Anything that is approached in an emotional manner is likely to melt down and be non productive.

What about parenthood? What was his model as a child? What was yours? Did you have a plan or did it just evolve into this Daddy works, Mommy stays home, Daddy is THE BOSS routine?

Do you have a friend you can bounce ideas off of who will give you HONEST feedback? This part is important. You need objectivity in order to find potential solutions to your current situation. Sometimes that means talking to someone who loves you enough to tell you what you don't like to hear. A GOOD FRIEND will write you a REALITY CHECK. It helps you to identify what you need to own, what you can change and what you cannot. At least it gives you a starting point.

I feel for you. I really do. Since you put it out there, I felt the need to respond as I have. I speak from experience. Hindsight is 20/20 and looking back I can see where perhaps I could have made different choices. I really hope and pray that you were able to recharge and benefit from your time out of the "situation." Negril is a good place to do that. The beauty of the place and her people is good for the soul. But that was vacation. This is reality, as unpleasant as it may be. I hope and I pray that you will find the inner resources to approach your issues. Be honest with yourself, identify your strengths and that will help you to find solutions.

GOD BLESS YOU and keep you. I will keep you in my prayers.

PEACE.

[SweetSue]

From your first post :
"You may ask, why don’t I go out and get a job?
I would love to.
D says that is fine with him but that he can’t or won’t pay for child care so I would have to pay for it.
Paying for daycare for 2 kids would eat up anything that I made, so what is the point?"

Here's few points - contact with people in the outside world: higher self esteem & sense of self worth: a chance to explore your talents and perhaps develop some new ones; socialization for you and your children; less dependence upon your husband for all of your social, intellectual and emotional needs...

Or when they start pre-K (?) or kindergarten, you could start with volunteer work instead of seeking employment right away. More flexibility to accomodate your children but all of the aforementioned benefits still apply.

PEACE & BLESSINGS.

[Iriesistah]

Hi Sweet Sue~ Thanks you for your insight.
There is a lot more to the story than I am posting here, this is of course a Board about Jamaica, not personal problems and I probably should not even be writing about them on here as is. I only am as part of my report.
In fact I considered taking my post from lat night down.

As far as the phone goes, I was well aware that I cost $1.99 per min and I used it a total of 24 min while in Jamaica. I only used it to call home to check on the boys for one brief call every day or so.

Six years ago my husband asked me to leave my management job to open our own business together.
It was an existing business that we took over and made a LOT of improvements to. My management background was of great help to getting things in place.
Now I am not "allowed" to even see the accounts for "our" company.
We DO make enough money in the business for me to be able to buy the food and necessities that our family needs, I do know that much.
However, for example, we have no health insurance.
I have not really been to a doctor since I had the babies 3 and a half years ago because if I do go for something it is held over my head and I am told that I will have to sacrifice something else to make it happen, like food or clothing for my kids. So I just don't go.
About 6 months ago I was really worried about some moles that I have. It had been bothering me for years. I asked if I could go see and doctor and I went.
When the bill came my husband never paid it and it finally went to collections. When I showed him the collections notice he told me, "oh medical bills don't count the way regular bills do, it is ok."
But HE goes to the doctor monthly for random things, his back, allergies, ect.
HIS bills never go to collections, he pays them.
I just see it as unfair.

When we started our business we had a total of 5 employees, now only one of the original 5 remain.
Once I was gone no one could handle my husbands antics and one by one they all left (all within 6 months).
Each and everyone of them have contacted me and told me how sorry they were , ect. and that they couldn't take him anymore.

Anyway, I am not going to get into all the specifics here on the board, it is not the place for that and I am sorry to have even put it out there as is.

I am not perfect. I have never claimed to be.
I am however mindful of my actions and strive to be the best mother and person that I can be.

Thanks again for your words.

[Angel]

Iriesistah I am hoping and praying you get things you deserve BIG TIME in a good way. So you can go back to Jamaica with your sons one day. You need answers that I hope you get so you have some happiness in life along with your sons. Well can you post some of your trip, sounded like you had fun.

[cassidygirl]

It's not "HIS" property!
http://www.mddivorceonline.com/mdpag...debt%20div.asp

[JitterBug]

irie, your husband sounds like he has extreme control issues . . .how did you allow this to get so far out of control? . . . men who control love to isolate their prey(you) . . . nothing is "his" . . . its common property . . . do you got the balls to do legal stuff? he's never going to change, the sooner you get out the better . . . remember, u have a lot of rights you are not excercising because he's convinced you its "his" . . . . the children feel tension in a home . . . why subject them to that? and yourself? lady, take control of your life and safe yourself and your children!!!!

edited to add: never mind the mental abuse he's putting on you . . . with your permission!!

[tfw73]

I would get a job, ASAP, even if it's something entry-level...just to get you out and about. Look into Mother's Day out programs, there are quite a few out there that don't charge. Even if you're spending your paycheck on daycare, it's a start. Things will either get better or worse and you can move on from that point.

I'm with SweetSue on a few things...is your husband under financial stress? Is he worried about things? He might be feeling some resentment about your trip. Does he travel on his own, too?

Only you are able to answer if your marriage is worth saving or not.

Edited to add...rest assured, if after lots of thinking and soul searching, you decided to divorce your marital assets are joint and you'd receive at least child support. I don't know what the laws about alimony are in your state, but you wouldn't be left out in the cold.

I went through a terrible divorce, both emotionally and financially. Sometimes it really is worth it.

[cassidygirl]

If you have anything you could sell via craigslist ,etc. Baby furniture, old toys, anything at all. You could do it on the sly, put a little bit of money away. With all the things he is not sharing with you, he doesn't need to know.

[Jbizek]

You need to speak with a lawyer pronto. He uses money and isolation to control you, and it's never going to get any better. Why would it change? It's working out great for him. He won't see a counselor, guarentee it. While it takes two, the fact he is holding you hostage, won't let you see a doctor are clearly signs of emotional abuse. I agree you need to get a job, why not find one that is compatible with his schedule? You work nights? Even if it's at a grocery store or gas station. How about taking in kids for babysitting, usually you can be paid under the table and can start stashing it away.any high price items you can pawn? A wedding ring? Other jewelry? Just enough to get you in your own place? Sometimes you have to do scary things to enact the change you need. Since money seems to be the big issue with him, methinks if you talked to a lawyer, got a job or your own place he would change his tune. He is smart enough to know a divorce is going to cost him a lot more than being a decent husband to you. He might change for a little while but old habits die hard. If your truly as unhappy as you say you are it's time do some soul searching, picture your life in 5 years? 10 years? Sometimes the hardest things to do are the right ones. He has battered your self esteem so hard your ready to settle for a roof over your heads and food in your bellies... That's not life, that's existing. You and your boys deserve more than that.